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85 Quotes from Racing Film ‘Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby’

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By Dayna Remus
Jun 05, 2022
09:35 A.M.

"Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby" is a rowdy comedy film centered around Ricky Bobby, a pit crew worker who shoots to fame in an unexpected way. What follows is a rollercoaster of fame, losses, and true friendship put to the test. Here are 85 of the funniest quotes from the film.

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"Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby" is a comedy film that was released in 2006 when sports movies were all the rage in Hollywood. It follows Ricky Bobby, a NASCAR pit crew member who wants nothing more than to become a race car driver.

Ricky Bobby shoots to fame by taking over for a driver who was in last place and took a bathroom break. He finished the race in third place. But that's not all.

At the height of his career, Ricky Bobby is replaced by a French race car driver hired by his boss. Ricky Bobby subsequently loses his fame and spends the rest of the film fighting to get it back. Along the way, Ricky Bobby and all the characters in the film deliver some unforgettable punchlines. Here are 85 of the best of them.

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Reese Bobby’s quote: “If you ain't first, you're last…See you when you're grown up.” | Image: AmoDays

CAL NAUGHTON JR. QUOTES

“I like to picture my Jesus in a tuxedo T-shirt. ‘Cause, it says like, I wanna be formal but I’m here to party too. I like to party, so I like my Jesus to party.”

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“I’ll just bury it down inside.”

“Ricky, man, you gotta cross over the anger bridge. Come back to the friendship shore.”

“When you say psychosomatic, you mean like he could start a fire with his thoughts?”

“Please don’t let the invisible fire burn my friend!”

Cal Naughton Jr.’s quote: “Ricky, man, you gotta cross over the anger bridge. Come back to the friendship shore.” | Image: AmoDays

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“You just lost your wife, you just lost your job... don't throw out your best friend because of your anger.”

“I had a dream where Jesus was a dirty old bum, and I was about to sock him in the face because, well he's a dirty old bum, but then I thought, there's something special about him…”

JEAN GIRARD

“Aaaaah, Ricky Bobby! Now we shall dance. And yes, it will be a slow jam.”

“What is that a catchphrase or is that epilepsy?”

“My husband Gregory and I want what any couple wants. To retire to Stockholm and develop a currency for dogs and cats to use.”

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Jean Girard’s quote: “Aaaaah, Ricky Bobby! Now we shall dance. And yes, it will be a slow jam.” | Image: AmoDays

“But before I can do that, I must be beaten by a driver who is truly better than me.”

“Sir, you taste of America.”

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“God needs the devil. The Beatles needed the Rolling Stones. Even Diane Sawyer needed Katie Couric. Will you be my Katie Couric?”

“Why did you stop the jazz music? Was it not pleasant for you?”

“May God be with you, Monsieur Bobby. Because although today I am friendly. Tomorrow will be war!”

Jean Girard’s quote: “My husband Gregory and I want only that what every other couple wants: to tame komodo dragons in Sri Lanka and teach them to perform Hamlet.” | Image: AmoDays

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“Soon you will know what it is like to be defeated by the hands of somebody who is truly better than you. As William Blake wrote, "The cut worm forgives the plow".”

“My name is Jean Girard and I am a racing-car driver just like you except I am from Formula Un. I am the greatest one in the whole world. I have been following your career with great interest, Monsieur Bobby.”

“We invented democracy, existentialism, and the ménage à trois.”"

My husband Gregory and I want only that what every other couple wants: to tame komodo dragons in Sri Lanka and teach them to perform Hamlet, but before I can do that...But before I can do that I must be beaten by a driver who is truly better than me.”

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“Bon. So, what if you just said: ‘I love really thin pancakes? That is a fair compromise, no?”

LUCIUS WASHINGTON QUOTES

Lucius Washington’s quote: “Don’t you put that evil on me, Ricky Bobby! Don’t you put that on us! You are NOT paralyzed!” | Image: AmoDays

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Trying to remove a knife in Ricky’s leg] “We’ll use this knife to pry it out!”

“No, I don’t know what that means, I guess longer lives.”

[To the crew as they are speed-changing a customer’s tire] “Guys! No tires! We’re not a pit crew anymore, we’re a car wash team.”

“Don’t you put that evil on me, Ricky Bobby! Don’t you put that on us! You are NOT paralyzed!”

TEXAS RANGER QUOTES

“I’m all jacked up on mountain dew!”

Texas Ranger’s quote: “Old man, I’m gonna come at you like a spider monkey!” | Image: AmoDays

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“Why, if it isn’t our mangy, transient grandfather.”

“One of you turds is about to get smacked in the mouth!”

“She said, ‘No, you're wrong.’ I said, ‘You got a lumpy butt.’ She got mad at me and yelled at me and I pissed in my pants and I never did change my pee-pants all day. I'm still sittin' in my dirty pee-pants.” Texas Ranger

“I'm gonna scissor-kick you in the back of the head!”

“Old man, I’m gonna come at you like a spider monkey!”

GLENN QUOTES

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Glenn’s quote: “You have spilled my macchiato.” | Image: AmoDays

“Sorry Lucius, but it’s a hard habit to break, like stalking an ex-girlfriend.”

“I think what you are hearing is my accent.”

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“Your injury is one of ignorance and pride.”

“You have spilled my macchiato.”

“Ricky, this car is like your Excalibur, the mighty sword that Sir Lancelot used to bring together the Knights of the Round Table until Lancelot betrayed him by laying with his queen…[whispers] in the biblical sense.”

Glenn’s quote: “Sorry Lucius, but it’s a hard habit to break, like stalking an ex-girlfriend.” | Image: AmoDays

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“Hakuna matata, [expletive].

“It’s not always bad to be in last place. Here’s some things we can focus on. 1. We tried hard and 2. We’re still dear friends.”

CARLEY BOBBY

“Got more plugs in him than a Circuit City.”

"Golly, this is a hard decision, but I have thought about it, and I want the plug pulled.”

“Jesus did grow up.”

Carley Bobby’s quote: “Jesus did grow up.” | Image: AmoDays

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“Super’s ready! Come on, y’all! I’ve been slaving over this for hours.”

LUCY BOBBY

“I don’t care, I’m having a baby!”

“Now I am declaring Granny Law and if you do not obey Granny Law, I will paint your back porch red.”

“How many more times you going to toss me the radio in the bathtub?”

RICK BOBBY

“No one lives forever, no one. But with advances in modern science and my high-level income, it’s not crazy to think I can live to be 245, maybe 300.”

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Ricky Bobby’s quote: “You gotta' win... to get love. Everybody knows that. I mean, that's just life.” | Image: AmoDays

“You gotta learn to drive with the fear, and there ain’t nothing more God damn frightening than driving with a live cougar in the car.”

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"Dear Lord Baby Jesus, or as our brothers to the south call you, Jesús, we thank you so much for this bountiful harvest of Domino’s, KFC, and the always delicious Taco Bell. I just want to take time to say thank you for my family, my two beautiful, beautiful, handsome, striking sons, Walker and Texas Ranger, or T.R. as we call him, and of course, my red-hot smoking wife, Carly who is a stone-cold fox.”

“Did that blow your mind? Because that just happened!”

“I don’t know what to do with my hands.”

“I’m just a big hairy American winning machine, you know?”

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Ricky Bobby’s quote: “No one lives forever, no one. But with advances in modern science and my high-level income, it’s not crazy to think I can live to be 245, maybe 300.” | Image: AmoDays

“You can’t have two No. 1s.”

“From now on, you’re the Magic Man and I’m El Diablo.”

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“It won the Academy Award… Best movie ever made.”

“I hope that both of you have sons… Handsome, beautiful, articulate sons, who are talented and star athletes and they have their legs taken away. I mean I pray you know that pain and that hurt.”

“This sticker is dangerous and inconvenient, but I do love Fig Newtons.”

Ricky Bobby’s quote: "Dear Lord Baby Jesus, or as our brothers to the south call you, Jesús, we thank you so much for this bountiful harvest of Domino’s, KFC, and the always delicious Taco Bell." | Image: AmoDays

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“Look, I like the Christmas Jesus best, and I’m sayin’ grace. When You say grace, you can say it to Grownup Jesus or Teenage Jesus or Bearded Jesus or whoever you want.”

“I came here to tell you one thing: come race time tomorrow, I’m coming for you.”

“It’s in the Geneva Convention!”

“I wanna go fast. I wanna go fast.”

"This sticker is dangerous and inconvenient, but I do love Fig Newtons. "

Ricky Bobby’s quote: “I hope that both of you have sons…who are talented and star athletes and they have their legs taken away.” | Image: AmoDays

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"Hang on, Baby Jesus, this is gon’ get bumpy!”

"I get emotional. You guys are workin' so hard, and I'm just so proud of you. You remind me of me, precocious and full of wonderment.”

“We? No, we are not French. We're American because you're in America, okay? Greatest country on the planet.”

“Dear 8 pounds 6 ounces… newborn infant Jesus, don’t even know a word yet.”

"Hey. I lost my license. That's why I'm on the bus... I'm delivering pizzas."

Reese Bobby’s quote: “You don’t drive with your eyes; you drive with your heart.” | Image: AmoDays

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“Well let's see. I got mauled by a cougar, my Crystal Gayle shirt is ruined, and I didn't learn dick about driving. Other than that, it was great.”

"Here's the deal I'm the best there is. Plain and simple. I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence.”

“I sent in my application to The Real World, so I’m hoping to hear back from that. I’m putting a lot of my eggs into that basket, the MTV basket.”

“Everyone turn away. Things are gonna get crazy. We’re gonna make animal noises.”

“Break it, Pepé Le Pew.”

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Cal Naughton Jr’s. quote: “When you say psychosomatic, you mean like he could start a fire with his thoughts?” | Image: AmoDays

“Absolutely ma’am. I’d love to sign your baby. You’re not gonna want to wash that forehead.”

“Well let me just quote the late-great Colonel Sanders, who said…’ I’m too drunk to taste this chicken.’”

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“Help me, Jesus! Help me Jewish God! Help me, Allah! AAAAAHHH! Help me Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft on me to get the fire off me!”

“It's like... Spanish for like a fighting chicken.”

“The ninjas are trying to get me.”

RELATED: 89 Chuckle-Worthy 'Ghostbusters' Quotes

REESE BOBBY'S QUOTES

Reese Bobby’s quote: “Hey, shut up you little pot-licker, I’ll stick you in a microwave!” | Image: AmoDays

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“If you ain't first, you're last…See you when you're grown up.”

“Oh hell, Son... That doesn't make any sense at all, you can be second, third... hell you can even be fifth."

“You don’t drive with your eyes, you drive with your heart.”

“Now, there’s nothing like driving to avoid jail. Nothing hones your mind and your instincts like necessity.”

“It’s the fastest who gets paid and it’s the fastest who gets laid.”

Reese Bobby’s quote: “Oh hell, Son... That doesn't make any sense at all, you can be second, third... hell you can even be fifth." | Image: AmoDays

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“Hey, shut up you little pot-licker, I’ll stick you in a microwave!”

QUOTES FROM OTHER CHARACTERS

“It's because it's what you love, Ricky. It is who you were born to be. And here you sit, thinking. Well, Ricky Bobby is not a thinker. Ricky Bobby is a driver. He is a doer. And that's what you need to do. You don't need to think. You need to drive. You need speed. You need to go out there, and you need to rev your engine. You need to fire it up. You need to grab a hold of that line between speed and chaos, and you need to wrestle it to the ground like a demon cobra! And then, when the fear rises up in your belly, you use it. And you know that fear is powerful because it has been there for billions of years. And it is good. And you use it. And you ride it; you ride it like a skeleton horse through the gates of hell, and then you win, Ricky. You WIN! And you don't win for anybody else. You win for you, you know why? Because a man takes what he wants. He takes it all. And you're a man, aren't you? Aren't you?” — Susan

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“I threw a bunch of Grandpa Chip’s war medals off the bridge.” — Walker

“ We use it for profiling purposes. We also have the Pet Shop Boys and Seal.” — Bartender

“Girard is sitting on the pole, which is a statement of fact and in no way a comment on his sexual orientation.” — PA Announcer

RELATED: 40 Quotes from the Power-Hungry ‘Star Wars’ Villain Palpatine

Susan’s quote: “You have spilled my macchiato.” And here you sit, thinking. Well, Ricky Bobby is not a thinker. Ricky Bobby is a driver. He is a doer. And that's what you need to do. You don't need to think. You need to drive. You need speed. You need to go out there, and you need to rev your engine. You need to fire it up. You need to grab a hold of that line between speed and chaos, and you need to wrestle it to the ground like a demon cobra! | Image: AmoDays

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"Talladega Nights" is a funny caricature of one of America's most-loved motorsports, NASCAR, but the film doesn't ridicule the sport. It allows every character to have their moments with funny punchlines and allows the main character, Ricky Bobby, to have a believable and heartwarming character arc.

Even if you may not be a NASCAR fan, you'll enjoy the other major themes in the film such as luck, the love of family, and rising again after failure.

If you enjoyed these quotes, you'll love this compilation from the hilarious "Austin Powers" trilogy.

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