90 Funny 'Criminal Minds' Quotes: Wit and Wisdom from the Profilers

Criminal Minds is a popular crime drama that captivated audiences with its thrilling storylines and complex characters. One of the most enjoyable aspects of the show is the witty banter and clever one-liners delivered by the talented cast. Read these 90 funny "Criminal Minds" quotes, and you be chuckling at your screen in no time.

"Criminal Minds" premiered on CBS in 2005 and concluded its 15-season run in 2020. The show follows an elite team of FBI criminal profilers who work together to analyze and solve complex criminal cases. Throughout the series, viewers are introduced to a dynamic cast of characters who bring their unique skills and personalities to the team.

The cast includes Thomas Gibson as Aaron "Hotch" Hotchner, Shemar Moore as Derek Morgan, Matthew Gray Gubler as Dr. Spencer Reid, A.J. Cook as Jennifer "JJ" Jareau, Kirsten Vangsness as Penelope Garcia, Paget Brewster as Emily Prentiss, and Joe Mantegna as David Rossi.

Each character's backstory and individual quirks contribute to the show's appeal. The show's witty one-liners, particularly from the characters, became a fan-favorite aspect of the series. Read these 90 quotes to relive some of the hilarious moments.

Derek Morgan's quote: "Harming a person weaker than you doesn't take any special ability." | Source: AmoDays

Funny 'Criminal Minds' Quotes by Dr. Spencer Reid

"That makes no sense. You can't catch a falling star; it would burn up in the atmosphere." — Dr. Spencer Reid

"You should see what comes up when you type 'death' into a search engine." — Dr. Spencer Reid

"No, I didn't; I am a doctor, so technically, it wasn't a lie." — Dr. Spencer Reid

"What's Twilight?" — Dr. Spencer Reid

Dr. Spencer Reid's quote: "That makes no sense. You can't catch a falling star; it would burn up in the atmosphere." | Source: AmoDays

"Look at me. Without a gun, I look like a teacher's assistant!" — Dr. Spencer Reid

"Actually, there aren't that many scientific errors in Star Trek, especially considering how long ago it was made. There are certain improbabilities, but not that many outright errors." — Dr. Spencer Reid

"Actually, [candles] were originally used to protect the birthday celebrant from demons for the coming year. As a matter of fact, down to the fourth century, Christianity rejected the birthday celebration as a pagan ritual." — Dr. Spencer Reid

"I never have any normal fans." — Dr. Spencer Reid

Dr. Spencer Reid's quote: "Look at me. Without a gun, I look like a teacher's assistant!" | Source: AmoDays

"Actually, it's more like we're looking for a needle in a pile of needles. A needle would stand out in a haystack." — Dr. Spencer Reid

"Do you mind if we swing by a bookstore? I want to re—read 'Empty Planet' before we meet with the author. I haven't read it since I was six." — Dr. Spencer Reid

"I totally saved your life. And I'm pretty certain it was caught on tape." — Dr. Spencer Reid

"I'm about to get naked so they can scrub me down. Is that something you really wanna see?" — Dr. Spencer Reid

Dr. Spencer Reid's quote: "Actually, it's more like we're looking for a needle in a pile of needles. A needle would stand out in a haystack." | Source: AmoDays

"I know what it's like to be afraid of your own mind." — Dr. Spencer Reid

"I don't hate you. I'm just not necessarily excited by your existence." — Dr. Spencer Reid

"Although the observable universe is continually expanding, there's really no way of knowing the whole thing is gonna ultimately collapse into one gargantuan Black Hole." — Dr. Spencer Reid

"Logic dictates that if you believe in one, you have to reconcile the existence of the other." — Dr. Spencer Reid

Dr. Spencer Reid's quote: "I know what it's like to be afraid of your own mind." | Source: AmoDays

"Hotch, repetitive thinking is a death mill for the brain. For complete brain usage, diverse stimulation is the key." — Dr. Spencer Reid

"Bullying leaves lasting scars." — Dr. Spencer Reid

"Evil can't be scientifically defined. It's an illusory moral concept that doesn't exist in nature. Its origins and connotations have been inextricably linked to religion and mythology." — Dr. Spencer Reid

"Believe me when I say this, I've never known a normal day in my entire life." — Dr. Spencer Reid

Dr. Spencer Reid's quote: "Hotch, repetitive thinking is a death mill for the brain. For complete brain usage, diverse stimulation is the key." | Source: AmoDays

"The number of pathogens passed during a handshake is staggering. It's actually safer to kiss." — Dr. Spencer Reid

Funny 'Criminal Minds' Quotes by Derek Morgan

"Reid, you good with this? We got a woman who's only got a few hours left to live, an incomplete profile, and a unit chief on the verge of a nervous breakdown." — Derek Morgan

"These are my bomb fragments. We can start putting this bad boy together." — Derek Morgan

"I don't take kindly to being blown up. In fact, it kind of pisses me off." — Derek Morgan

"Harming a person weaker than you doesn't take any special ability." — Derek Morgan

Dr. Spencer Reid's quote: "The number of pathogens passed during a handshake is staggering. It's actually safer to kiss." | Source: AmoDays

"Is it even possible for somebody to live completely offline these days?" — Derek Morgan

"OK, let me get you on a secret: Guys, we don't do well on subtle clues, OK? You got to be direct, straight up. Just tell him exactly what you want!" — Derek Morgan

"Hey girl, you're on speaker, so behave." — Derek Morgan

"I better not find any photoshopped pictures of me on your computer." — Derek Morgan

Derek Morgan's quote: "Is it even possible for somebody to live completely offline these days?" | Source: AmoDays

"This world needs all of its beautiful ladies, and that includes you." — Derek Morgan

"Out of all the bad things we see on a daily basis, I am still amazed at all the good." — Derek Morgan

"Dude? You're way too tense." — Derek Morgan

"Well, see, my code of survival says never mess with a woman carrying a gun." — Derek Morgan

Derek Morgan's quote: "This world needs all of its beautiful ladies, and that includes you." | Source: AmoDays

"Hey dollface, ready to work some magic for me?" — Derek Morgan

"Aww, poor baby. Try not to let the tears hit the paper; it gets a little messy." — Derek Morgan

"No wonder you can't find a date." — Derek Morgan

"The only thing I was afraid of was the dark." — Derek Morgan

Derek Morgan's quote: "Aww, poor baby. Try not to let the tears hit the paper; it gets a little messy." | Source: AmoDays

"Goon squad or no goon squad, that couch right there is going to be my best friend until we catch this guy. Now leave it alone." — Derek Morgan

Funny 'Criminal Minds' Quotes by Penelope Garcia and Other Characters

"All hail the goddess of information." — Penelope Garcia

"Your friendly neighborhood Oracle of all things knowable and unknowable at your service." — Penelope Garcia

"You are a statuesque god of sculpted chocolate thunder." — Penelope Garcia

"Rainmaker, how wet do you want it?" — Penelope Garcia

Penelope Garcia's quote: "All hail the goddess of information." | Source: AmoDays

"Peaches, this is the Office of Unmitigated Superiority. I am always ready." — Penelope Garcia

"Wish, you; command, me." — Penelope Garcia

"Getting into someone's mind and trying to find the god—awful thing that happened to them that made them do the God—awful thing to somebody else has seriously impaired my ability to giggle, and it makes my brain all wonky, and I don't like it." — Penelope Garcia

"Office of Unfettered Omniscience — how may I help you, O fortunate one?" — Penelope Garcia

Penelope Garcia's quote: "Peaches, this is the Office of Unmitigated Superiority. I am always ready." | Source: AmoDays

"Oracle of Quantico. Speak if you deign to hear the truth!" — Penelope Garcia

"Speak and be recognized by your empress, mortal!" — Penelope Garcia

"Those jock guys are always such jerks." — Penelope Garcia

"I haven't slept this week. Might as well give up eating." — Penelope Garcia

Penelope Garcia's quote: "Oracle of Quantico. Speak if you deign to hear the truth!" | Source: AmoDays

"When they do a 'Men of the FBI' calendar, is it just you?" — Penelope Garcia

"Enchantress of all things possible, use your imagination." — Penelope Garcia

"I want to believe that the world is just teeming with awesome people, but all of this is giving me great pause … I want to go back to cyberspace." — Penelope Garcia

"If it walks like a duck and looks like a duck, then it's a duck, and frankly, I think you're up to your knees in a duckpond." — Penelope Garcia

Penelope Garcia's quote: "When they do a 'Men of the FBI' calendar, is it just you?" | Source: AmoDays

"You're waiting for a potential murderer to come home? Kind of dangerous. Kind of sexy." — Penelope Garcia

"I've always heard every ending is also a new beginning; we just don't know it at the time; I'd like to believe that's true." — Emily Prentiss

"I spent most of my childhood looking for a 1958 nickel valued at over 10 thousand dollars. (everyone stares) Yes, I was a little bit of a nerd. Is that so surprising?" — Aaron "Hotch" Hotchner

"There are monsters, and it's OK to be afraid of them, but it's not OK to let them win, and it's not OK to be one." — Jennifer "JJ" Jareau

Penelope Garcia's quote: "You're waiting for a potential murderer to come home? Kind of dangerous. Kind of sexy." | Source: AmoDays

"He was left in a basket on the steps of the FBI." — David Rossi

"I know you see the good in people, Penelope, always. And I would never want you to change that." — Aaron "Hotch" Hotchner

"This is going to hit you, and when it does, there's only three facts you need to know. You did what you had to do, and a lot of good people are alive because of what you did…(and third) I'm proud of you." — Jason Gideon

"Please don't tell me you have a crush on a fictional character." — Jennifer "JJ" Jareau

David Rossi's quote: "He was left in a basket on the steps of the FBI." | Source: AmoDays

"Out there in the field, 'sorry' doesn't bring people back." — Emily Prentiss

"What's vacation time?" — Jason Gideon

"You've reached Penelope Garcia in the FBI's Office of Supreme Genius." — Penelope Garcia

"This is Special Agent Gideon, Special Agent Morgan, our expert on obsessional crimes, Special Agent Reid." — Aaron "Hotch" Hotchner

Emily Prentiss' quote: "Out there in the field, 'sorry' doesn't bring people back." | Source: AmoDays

"You look too young to have gone to medical school." — David Woodland

"Try again. Fail again. Fail better." — Jason Gideon

"There could be an email or a journal in the computer, something that tells us where Heather is. Do you think you can break in?" — Elle Greenaway

"Dr. Reid, our expert on, well, everything, and after two years busting my butt in this office, I hope you remember me." — Aaron "Hotch" Hotchner

"They don't call them nervous breakdowns anymore." — Jason Gideon

David Woodland's quote: "You look too young to have gone to medical school." | Source: AmoDays

"Aaron "Hotch" Hotchner: I suppose whether he's fit to be a field agent. You know, Haley and I were looking at a baby names book. Well, guess what Gideon means in Hebrew? / Dr. Spencer Reid: (passes by and hears the question) Mighty warrior. Appropriate." — "Criminal Minds"

"I have a word of advice. Don't marry the first guy that proposes." — Monica Walker

"Chemical accelerant could mean chemistry student." — Elle Greenaway

"What… what is the most sinful place on campus?" — Elle Greenaway

"Reid, I don't know how you know half the stuff you know, but I'm glad you do." — Elle Greenaway

Monica Walker's quote: "I have a word of advice. Don't marry the first guy that proposes." | Source: AmoDays

There are many reasons why people love watching "Criminal Minds." For one, the show provides a fascinating look into the world of criminal profiling and how the FBI investigates violent crimes. Additionally, the characters are complex and well-developed, with each team member bringing unique skills and perspectives.

The show also deals with heavy topics such as trauma, mental illness, and the impact of violent crimes on both the victims and the investigators themselves, which makes for compelling storytelling. Finally, the show strongly focuses on teamwork, with each team member relying on each other to solve the case and bring justice to the victims.

Overall, "Criminal Minds" was a well-written and well-acted show that kept viewers engaged and invested in the characters' journeys. Read Emily Prentiss's quotes, another memorable character from the series.