69 'Grumpy Old Men' Quotes for Some Grouchy Giggles

While some people become grumpier with age, there is a certain charm to their straightforward and comical way of approaching everyday life. Read the 69 quotes below that embody this charm.

In the 1993 film "Grumpy Old Men," elderly neighbors John Gustafson and Max Goldman share a contentious relationship. They find themselves butting heads, even more so when their love interest, Ariel Truax, moves in across the street. These two crabby men go head to head, only to form an unexpected bond. John's father, Grandpa Gustafson, acts as comic relief throughout this already-hilarious movie.

The filmmakers weren't done making their audiences laugh, releasing a sequel in 1995, "Grumpier Old Men," filled with drama, romance, death, and a still-combative yet somehow warm relationship between the two main characters.

Read 69 quotes below from some of the central characters in the films.

John Gustafson’s quote: "We did the horizontal mambo." | Image: AmoDays

Max Goldman Quotes

"That's because you won't be here." — Max Goldman

"He's dead! Died on impact!" — Max Goldman

"Smells alright to me." — Max Goldman

"If I die today, I die a happy man." — Max Goldman

"Up yours, Gustafson." — Max Goldman

Max Goldman’s quote: "If I had known I would be doing a nude scene, I'd have asked for another million." | Image: AmoDays

"I got a cactus in my bathroom, but we got nothing to say to each other." — Max Goldman

"He started it." — Max Goldman

"Yeah, well, he deserves to be happy." — Max Goldman

"You know I didn't mean what I said about Melanie." — Max Goldman

"You watch your mouth, you damn Swede." — Max Goldman

Max Goldman’s quote: "Eat my shorts!" | Image: AmoDays

"If I had known I would be doing a nude scene, I'd have asked for another million." — Max Goldman

"He started it." — Max Goldman

"Oh, he's fine. Real busy, but he promised to come home for Thanksgiving." — Max Goldman

"You know what Jacob said. Jacob said that old Billy Henchel was killed in a car crash. Head-on collision with a freight truck. Cleared his car straight over the bridge into the Mississippi." — Max Goldman

"Hypothermia is a [expletive]. It ain't quick like a stroke." — Max Goldman

Max Goldman’s quote: "Why don't you do the world a favor and take your lower lip and pull it over your head and swallow?" | Image: AmoDays

"Yes, without it, he could be anywhere. Wandering around, talking to the trees. I'm telling you, the man's a menace." — Max Goldman

"Eat my shorts!" — Max Goldman

"You win the lottery?" — Max Goldman

"Your old pal failed you, huh, Chuck?" — Max Goldman

Max Goldman’s quote: “Wandering around, talking to the trees. I'm telling you, the man's a menace.” | Image: AmoDays

"Why don't you do the world a favor and take your lower lip and pull it over your head and swallow?" — Max Goldman

"Here's some matches. Set yourself on fire." — Max Goldman

"I knew your old man longer than I knew my own." — Max Goldman

"Gotta use hot water." — Max Goldman

"What's your point?" — Max Goldman

Max Goldman’s quote: "You watch your mouth, you damn Swede." | Image: AmoDays

"Do you think we should ask her for some garlic bread?" — Max Goldman

"She chose me, and anyone who says different is a damn liar.".— Max Goldman

"The man's crazy. Loco. Always hanging out around those kinky strip bars. You know, the ones where the men take their clothes off. That's, of course, if he's taken his medication." — Max Goldman

"Who's the guy yakkin' at your door?" — Max Goldman

"I am the gangster of love." — Max Goldman

Max Goldman’s quote: "Up yours, Gustafson." | Image: AmoDays

"Mind your own business, will ya? Mind your own business. Why don't you tie your shoelace? You'll fall on your stupid head." — Max Goldman

"Pretty fancy, huh? Look, it's even got its own tap." — Max Goldman

"You traitor. You Benedict Arnold." — Max Goldman

John Gustafson Quotes

"A stroke's no damn good. You could end up a vegetable. Give me a cardiac any day." — John Gustafson

"Oh! That's me and the moron." — John Gustafson

John Gustafson’s quote: “Hello, moron.” | Image: AmoDays

"I am going down and apologizing to Maria." — John Gustafson

"It's okay, I'm a doctor." — John Gustafson

"You won't even know I'm here." — John Gustafson

"Ohhhh, couldn't rise to the occasion?" — John Gustafson

"This milk has chunks in it." — John Gustafson

John Gustafson’s quote: "Well, maybe in California, but here in Minnesota… Who-ho-ho-ho!” | Image: AmoDays

"Did you hear about Eddie Hicks?" — John Gustafson

“Hello, moron.” — John Gustafson

" ...very interesting woman." — John Gustafson

"Ohh, you don't know a damn thing about me..." — John Gustafson

"No, it wasn't romantic at all." — John Gustafson

John Gustafson’s quote: "It's a good thing [Jacob is] his mother's son. If he looked anything like you, he'd never get on the ballot." | Image: AmoDays

"Did you hear someone moved into the old Klickner place? A woman." — John Gustafson

"Of course it's Max. He's ugly, isn't he?" — John Gustafson

"He was always very fond of you, Max." — John Gustafson

"I've had a lot on my mind lately." — John Gustafson

"Well, maybe in California, but here in Minnesota… Who-ho-ho-ho!” — John Gustafson

John Gustafson’s quote: "Did you hear someone moved into the old Klickner place? A woman." | Image: AmoDays

"It's a good thing [Jacob is] his mother's son. If he looked anything like you, he'd never get on the ballot." — John Gustafson

"We did the horizontal mambo." — John Gustafson

"Pop, I wish you'd try the low-fat bacon." — John Gustafson

Grandpa Gustafson Quotes

"Drop that fish." — Grandpa Gustafson

"Relax. Kids swallow quarters all the time." — Grandpa Gustafson

Grandpa Gustafson’s quote: "I'm 94 years old. What the hell do I care?” | Image: AmoDays

"Speak for yourself." — Grandpa Gustafson

"And that was the end of the Three Bears." — Grandpa Gustafson

"Kids; can't live with them, can't shoot them." — Grandpa Gustafson

"I have been to Hawaii." — Grandpa Gustafson

"Looks like Chuck's taking old one-eye to the optometrist." — Grandpa Gustafson

Grandpa Gustafson’s quote: "Kids; can't live with them, can't shoot them." | Image: AmoDays

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"Last Thursday, I turned 95 years old. And I never exercised a day in my life. Every morning, I wake up... And then I eat five strips of bacon. And for lunch, I eat a bacon sandwich. — Grandpa Gustafson

"No?! Then what's the problem?" — Grandpa Gustafson

"I'm 94 years old. What the hell do I care?" — Grandpa Gustafson

"I'll tell you what's on my mind. It's butt-cold out here, and I'm fresh out of beer." — Grandpa Gustafson

"Each year comes and goes, and I'm still here. Ha! And they keep dying. You know? Sometimes I wonder if God forgot about me." — Grandpa Gustafson

Ariel Truax Quotes

Ariel Truax’s quote: "Well, it's a perfectly legitimate question." | Image: AmoDays

"The only thing in life you regret are the risks you don't take." — Ariel Truax

"Oh, there it is! I can't wait [to see what] I find in there. You know, it's better than having a palm-read. You give me 30 seconds in a person's bathroom, and I will give you a complete and accurate profile." — Ariel Truax

"I do so love bathrooms. You know, you can tell an awful lot about a person from his bathroom. Did you know that?" — Ariel Truax

"Well, it's a perfectly legitimate question." — Ariel Truax

"Oh, I think we're safe….." — Ariel Truax

Ariel Truax’s quote: "The only thing in life you regret are the risks you don't take." | Image: AmoDays

The first film was nominated twice for two possible awards, out of which it took home the 1994 BMI Film Music Award. The second film climbed even higher, scoring two wins and two more nominations. In 1996, it grabbed the Favorite Comedy Motion Picture at the People's Choice Awards and, like the first, won the BMI Film Music Award.

Strangely enough, one of the nominations this movie was chosen for was The Sequel Nobody Was Clamoring For by The Stinkers Bad Movie Awards showing off the sentiment that the second movie was not as well-liked as the first. Either way, the two grumpy older men live in the hearts of those who enjoyed these movies.

Find out more about another film that, just like the second "Grumpy Old Men," brings out divided opinions — "Jennifer's Body." These 46 quotes from the film will introduce you to the dark world of Jennifer and her best friend, Needy.