83 Squidward Quotes for the Cynic in You

Squidward Tentacles is arguably the grumpiest character in Bikini Bottom. His perpetually annoyed face and attitude are the exact opposite of SpongeBob's always happy demeanor. If you're one of those who can relate to Squidword's grumpiness, here are 83 Squidward quotes for you.

Squidward Tentacles is the grumpy co-worker and neighbor to the optimistic main character, SpongeBob, in "SpongeBob Squarepants." His days are often spent getting away from and actively foiling SpongeBob and Patrick's plans.

His sarcasm, dry sense of humor, wit, and pessimistic attitude can put generally optimistic people off. But his endless attempts at self-care and character development are relatable to many others.

In addition to his unwanted misadventures living next to SpongeBob, Squidward dished iconic lines from the iconic animated series. Here are 83 of his most memorable quotes to arouse the cynic in you.

Squidward Tentacles’ quote: "It all started when I was born." | Source: AmoDays

SQUIDWARD COMPLAINING ABOUT LIFE

“I might as well sleep for 100 years or so.”

"I can't believe anybody would celebrate a holiday where a jolly prowler breaks into your house and leaves gifts."

“Why must every eleven minutes of my life be filled with misery? Why?!”

“I knew I shouldn’t have gotten out of bed today.”

"It's just a cruel reminder that I'm single and likely to remain that way forever."

Squidward Tentacles’ quote: "Oh, my aching tentacles.” | Source: AmoDays

"Here, please hit me as hard as you can.”

"Why is it that whenever I’m having fun, it’s wrong?"

"Too bad that didn’t kill me."

“Oh, my aching tentacles!”

“I hate all of you!”

Squidward Tentacles’ quote: "I might as well sleep for 100 years or so.” | Source: AmoDays

“I have no soul.”

“It’s not my birthday!!!”

“I wonder if a fall from this height would be enough to kill me.”

"It all started when I was born."

Squidward Tentacles’ quote: "Oh, it’s days like this that make me wish I had gone to college." | Source: AmoDays

SQUIDWARD MOANING ABOUT WORK

“Please come again… when I’m not working.”

“Welcome to the Krusty Krab, where it’s almost as if the evolutionary clock ticks backward.”

“I order the food, you cook the food. The customer gets the food. We do that for 40 years, and then we die.”

"Oh, it’s days like this that make me wish I had gone to college."

"Welcome to the House of Misery. May I take your order?"

Squidward Tentacles’ quote: “Welcome to the Krusty Krab, where it’s almost as if the evolutionary clock ticks backward.” | Source: AmoDays

“Nobody gives a care about the fate of labor as long as they can get their instant gratification.”

"Krabby Patty nothing!!"

“What? Do you want me to call your supervisor and tell him you're just standing around?”

"One hundred and one dollars for a Krabby Patty? "

SQUIDWARD BEING RUDE

“Do you have barnacles for brains?”

Squidward Tentacles’ quote: “Nobody gives a care about the fate of labor as long as they can get their instant gratification.” | Source: AmoDays

“That’s not what I meant you barnacle head!”

“If you think I’m gonna stand out there all day listening to annoying SpongeBob noises, then you must have coral wedged in your frontal lobe!”

“When I die, you stay away from my funeral.”

“If I had a dollar for every brain you don’t have, I’d have one dollar.”

"There's something I've been wanting to say to you since the day we met… Goodbye.”

Squidward Tentacles’ quote: “When I die, you stay away from my funeral.” | Source: AmoDays

“Shut your half-wit pie holes.”

“Do you have to stand so close? You’re making me claustrophobic!”

"I’m not rushing perfection, I’m rushing you!"

"I’m a winner, see my prize! You’re a loser who sits and cries!"

"Is it time already for you to ruin my day?"

Squidward Tentacles’ quote: "There's something I've been wanting to say to you since the day we met… Goodbye.” | Source: AmoDays

"Well, it wouldn’t be the first time you ruined everything."

"SpongeBob isn’t here to enjoy SpongeBob not being here."

"One — I hate you. And two — how can that be me when I’m standing right here!?"

"Patrick, go be stupid somewhere else!"

“Oh, come on. It's a fad. You don't wanna be one of those mindless rubes who marches around in a constant haze of stupidity. 'I love protein shakes. I'm the most gullible rube on the planet. Duh! Duh! Duh! Give me my stupid protein shake.'"

Squidward Tentacles’ quote: “Do you have barnacles for brains?” | Source: AmoDays

"Just when I thought they couldn't get any stupider."

"I hate all of you."

"Just do me a favor and stop doing me favors!"

“It means you have no skills, and you’re a loser.”

“Wait. I thought you were some other idiot.”

Squidward Tentacles’ quote: “If I had a dollar for every brain you don’t have, I’d have one dollar.” | Source: AmoDays

"How did I ever get surrounded by such loser neighbors?"

SQUIDWARD BEING POSITIVE FOR ONCE

“After going on your life-changing journey, you now realize that you don’t want what you thought you wanted. What you really wanted was inside you all along.”

"Picture him naked. OH MY GOD, HE'S HOT!"

“I was in the future and then I was in the past, and there was nowhere, and at last, I’m home and—you don’t know how happy I am to see you guys!”

“Oh, delicious food is my favorite kind of food!”

Squidward Tentacles’ quote: “After going on your life-changing journey, you now realize that you don’t want what you thought you wanted. What you really wanted was inside you all along.” | Source: AmoDays

"But it’s my only night to be fancy!"

SQUIDWARD BEING VAIN

“Good morning, my people! I’m sorry to have kept you waiting, but even I, strange as it seems, need my beauty sleep.”

“Hello. You’ve reached the house of unrecognized talent.”

"Fortunately, I have enough talent for all of you."

“Beautiful and talented. What more do they want? Don’t worry folks, there’s more where that came from.”

Squidward Tentacles’ quote: “Good morning, my people! I’m sorry to have kept you waiting, but even I, strange as it seems, need my beauty sleep.” | Source: AmoDays

Squidward looking in the mirror: “You have a great vocabulary.”

SQUIDWARD JUST BEING SQUIDWARD

“What are those Neanderthals doing? Can’t they see I’m spoiling myself?”

"Everybody's a critic."

“Don't say anything Squidward. Remember your karma.”

"Just keep walking, Squidy."

Squidward Tentacles’ quote: “You can’t fool me. I listen to public radio.” | Source: AmoDays

“SpongeBob is the only guy I know who can have fun with a jellyfish… for 12 hours!”

"What’s going to happen? Am I gonna blow up?"

“You can’t fool me. I listen to public radio.”

“Okay, new theory. Maybe we should play so quietly no one can hear us.”

"That was my cheese. It’s supposed to smell like that, kelp for brains!"

Squidward Tentacles’ quote: “You know, earlier today, I met a jerk who said he didn't like clarinet music” | Source: AmoDays

"That’s his eager face."

"No, Patrick, mayonnaise is not an instrument!"

"It’s Tentacles! Not tennis balls!"

“You know, earlier today, I met a jerk who said he didn't like clarinet music.”

“Because I am all out of MONEEEEEEY!!!!”

Squidward Tentacles’ quote: “Hello. You’ve reached the house of unrecognized talent.” | Source: AmoDays

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“Stop playing in my yard!”

“Just get me out of here!”

"Another day, another migraine."

“This city needs to be destroyed or at least painted another color.”

"Wake me up when I care."

Squidward Tentacles’ quote: "Picture him naked. OH MY GOD, HE'S HOT!" | Source: AmoDays

"Public life ain’t all it’s cracked up to be.”

“Well, you did it. You took my one chance of happiness and crushed it. Crushed it into little tiny, bite-sized pieces. I really had expected better of you people. I guess I’m a loser for that, too.”

“No, no, no, no, no! Don't tell me! Don't tell me! Don't tell me anything, don't even tell me what you're doing here!”

SQUIDWARD'S ANNOYING BIKINI BOTTOM FRIENDS

“Squidward, that’s not the peace treaty, that’s a copy of the peace treaty.” — SpongeBob

“I don’t get it. I made my house a mess, which was making it clean, which made Squidward clean my yard, but that really means he’s messing it up. But the opposite of clean is filth, which means filth is clean, that means Squidward is really making my yard a wreck, but I normally wreck my own yard which means, Squidward is being the opposite of Squidward which means he’s Spongebob!” — SpongeBob

Spongebob Squarepants’ quote: “Squidward, I'm no mathematologist, but that sounds like a lot.” | Source: AmoDays

“Squidward... I used your clarinet to unclog my toilet!” — SpongeBob

"Annoy Squidward day?" — Patrick

“Squidward, I'm no mathematologist, but that sounds like a lot.” — Spongebob

Spongebob Squarepants’ quote: “Squidward that’s not the peace treaty, that’s a copy of the peace treaty.” | Source: AmoDays

Even though Squidward scolded SpongeBob for most episodes, he truly cared about his neighbor. On several occasions, he even went out of his way to make SpongeBob happy. And even after Squidward tried to move away from SpongeBob, he soon realized that his neighbor added color to his days.

Squidward's character is a reminder that even on drab days, a little laughter from other people is much-needed.

If you related to these quotes, you'll love this compilation of quotes from the legendary "SpongeBob SquarePants" animation.