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Image of Moe Szyslak with his quote from "The Simpsons:" “I'm better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt.” | Source: Facebook.com/TheSimpsons
Image of Moe Szyslak with his quote from "The Simpsons:" “I'm better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt.” | Source: Facebook.com/TheSimpsons

56 Moe Szyslak Quotes: Your Crabby Companion from 'The Simpsons'

Bettina Dizon
May 22, 2023
09:00 P.M.
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"The Simpsons" became a beloved television show for 34 seasons, projecting the satire of American life. One of its characters, Moe Szyslak, represented a toxic person with negative traits and a challenging personality.

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When "The Simpsons" premiered in 1989, the animated series became an instant hit amongst different generations of television viewers. Much of its success came from the universal themes of the show, the relatable characters, and the hilarious storyline.

Although the show focused on the Simpson family, several other characters were also popular amongst watchers, including Moe Szyslak. Unfortunately, he wasn't an exemplary figure. Moe was a man with low self-esteem, depression, and hatred for himself and others.

His character is projected in his relationships with other people and the dialogues they have. Nevertheless, Moe is a character that contributed to the show's ultimate success.

Image of Moe Szyslak with his quote from "The Simpsons:" “You guys cost me my chance with a woman of a certain age!” | Source: Facebook.com/TheSimpsons

Image of Moe Szyslak with his quote from "The Simpsons:" “You guys cost me my chance with a woman of a certain age!” | Source: Facebook.com/TheSimpsons

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Moe Szyslak Quotes Full of Self-Hatred and Blaming Others

"Hey Homer, I could hear your pathetic rationalizing through the door." ― Moe Szyslak, "The Simpsons"

"I'm better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt." ― Moe Szyslak, "The Simpsons"

(singing) "Happy Birthday to me, happy birthday to me. I feel so damn lonely [...] cries in hands and many more!" ― Moe Szyslak, "The Simpsons"

"I've been called ugly, pug ugly, fugly, pug fugly, but never ugly ugly." ― Moe Szyslak, "The Simpsons"

"You guys cost me my chance with a woman of a certain age!" ― Moe Szyslak, "The Simpsons"

Image of Moe Szyslak with his quote from "The Simpsons:" "Think of it as a wake-up call from a man with nothin' but a blow-up doll. And even she left me. Shouldn't have used helium." | Source: Facebook.com/TheSimpsons

Image of Moe Szyslak with his quote from "The Simpsons:" "Think of it as a wake-up call from a man with nothin' but a blow-up doll. And even she left me. Shouldn't have used helium." | Source: Facebook.com/TheSimpsons

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"I hate this Homer [expletive] with his beautiful wife and loving family, when all I got is this doorway." ― Moe Szyslak, "The Simpsons"

"Selma: What a cheap date.

Moe: I'm not cheap, baby. I'm embarrassed to be seen with you. There's a big difference." ― "The Simpsons"

"My dad was a circus freak, but my mom don't remember which one. I like to think it was a little bit of all of them." ― Moe Szyslak, "The Simpsons"

"Think of it as a wake-up call from a man with nothin' but a blow-up doll. And even she left me. Shouldn't have used helium." ― Moe Szyslak, "The Simpsons"

"Moe: Sounds like you're having a rough Christmas. You know what I blame this on the breakdown of? Society.

Homer: Yeah, you're right, Moe. You're always Moe." ― "The Simpsons"

Image of Moe Szyslak with his quote from "The Simpsons:" "I don't need your fair-weather friendship... is what I'll be saying tomorrow morning." | Source: Facebook.com/TheSimpsons

Image of Moe Szyslak with his quote from "The Simpsons:" "I don't need your fair-weather friendship... is what I'll be saying tomorrow morning." | Source: Facebook.com/TheSimpsons

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"I'm gonna die, and I've never even tasted cantaloupe!" ― Moe Szyslak, "The Simpsons"

"Look at me, sitting here depressed when I'm surrounded by the happiest people in the world: writers." ― Moe Szyslak, "The Simpsons"

"I don't need your fair-weather friendship is what I'll be saying tomorrow morning." ― Moe Szyslak, "The Simpsons"

"Homer: Where's that waitress of yours?

Moe: Oh, she left to pursue a movie career. Frankly, I think she was better off here." ― "The Simpsons"

"I'm Moe Szyslak. Growing up, I had roundworm. Heck, I was more worm than man some months. I dabbled in satanism until I was asked to leave. Oh, and one month, I ate nothing by aquarium fish." ― Moe Szyslak, "The Simpsons"

Image of Moe Szyslak with his quote from "The Simpsons:" "Apu: Are you suggesting we should steal? ; Moe: Hey, it ain't stealing if you take it fast."  | Source: Facebook.com/TheSimpsons

Image of Moe Szyslak with his quote from "The Simpsons:" "Apu: Are you suggesting we should steal? ; Moe: Hey, it ain't stealing if you take it fast." | Source: Facebook.com/TheSimpsons

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"These eye clamps are the only way I can tolerate today's TV." ― Moe Szyslak, "The Simpsons"

Moe Szyslak Quotes Full of Hilarious Moments

"King of thieves, we worship you!" ― Moe Szyslak, "The Simpsons"

"Simon: How do you like LA?

Moe: It's a hell of a city. It's like someone stepped on New York and scraped it off on the beach." ― "The Simpsons"

"Moe: Moe's Tavern.

Bart: Is Oliver there?

Moe: Who?

Bart: Oliver Klozoff.

Moe: Hold on. I'll check. Oliver Klozoff! Call for Oliver Klozoff!" ― "The Simpsons"

"Apu: Are you suggesting we should steal?

Moe: Hey, it ain't stealing if you take it fast." ― "The Simpsons"

Image of Moe Szyslak with his quote from "The Simpsons:" "Carl: Hey can you fix the sound? ; Lenny: And the color? ; Moe: And show it in a regular theatre?" | Source: Facebook.com/TheSimpsons

Image of Moe Szyslak with his quote from "The Simpsons:" "Carl: Hey can you fix the sound? ; Lenny: And the color? ; Moe: And show it in a regular theatre?" | Source: Facebook.com/TheSimpsons

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"Gaga: Never forget, you're all my little monsters.

Moe: Actually, I'm half monster, half Armenian. Pick your poison." ― "The Simpsons"

"Moe: You know, I think I'll volunteer, too.

Barney: Why'd you say 'too?'

Moe: Well, I assume I'm not the first one." ― "The Simpsons"

"Moe: Now let's have a minute of silent prayer for our good friend, Homer Simpson.

Barney: How long has it been?

Moe: Six seconds.

Barney: Do we have to start over?

Moe: Hell no." ― "The Simpsons"

"Homer: Moe, I need your advice... See, I've got this friend named Joey Joe Joe Junior Shabadoo.

Moe: That's the worst name I've ever heard.

Guy: (Runs out of the bar, crying)

Barney: Aye! Joey Joe Joe!" ― "The Simpsons"

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"Carl: Hey can you fix the sound?

Lenny: And the color?

Moe: And show it in a regular theatre?" ― "The Simpsons"

Image of Moe Szyslak with his quote from "The Simpsons:" "Moe: Hey Clinton, get back to work! ; Bill Clinton: Bite me." | Source: Facebook.com/TheSimpsons

Image of Moe Szyslak with his quote from "The Simpsons:" "Moe: Hey Clinton, get back to work! ; Bill Clinton: Bite me." | Source: Facebook.com/TheSimpsons

"Homer: Hurry, Moe, hurry! I've only got five minutes till the music store closes!

Moe: Well, why don't you go there first?

Homer: Hey, do I tell you how to do your job?" ― "The Simpsons"

"Homer: Moe, can we talk?

Moe: Are you crazy? It's 500 degrees in here! (Checks thermometer) Oh no, wait, it's only 495. What's on your mind?" ― "The Simpsons"

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"Moe: Do you mind riding a cute little scooter with your arms around my waist?

Princess Kemi: I don't!

Moe: To the scooter store!" ― "The Simpsons"

"Moe: Hey Clinton, get back to work!

Bill Clinton: Bite me." ― "The Simpsons"

"Well, It's hard to say, He may have come up with the recipe, but I came up with the idea of charging $6.95 for it." ― Moe Szyslak, "The Simpsons"

Image of Moe Szyslak with his quote from "The Simpsons:" "Barney: Hey, what's this? ; Moe: A sneeze guard. ; Barney: (sneezes) Wow, it really works!" | Source: Facebook.com/TheSimpsons

Image of Moe Szyslak with his quote from "The Simpsons:" "Barney: Hey, what's this? ; Moe: A sneeze guard. ; Barney: (sneezes) Wow, it really works!" | Source: Facebook.com/TheSimpsons

"Homer: Now we need code names. I'll be Cue-Ball, Skinner can be Eight-Ball, Barney will be Twelve-Ball, and Moe, you can be Cue-Ball.

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Moe: You're an idiot." ― "The Simpsons"

"Homer: Moe, I can save you if you let go of the grandfather clock.

Moe: But it's been in my family for over 40 seconds!" ― "The Simpsons"

"Barney: Hey, what's this?

Moe: A sneeze guard.

Barney: (sneezes) Wow, it really works!" ― "The Simpsons"

"Patty: I don't need a man, for I have England!

Moe: Yeah, you keep telling yourself that." ― "The Simpsons"

"Moe: You'll be back!!! And you, and you (to Barney). And you.

Barney: Of course I'll be back, if you didn't close I'd never leave!" ― "The Simpsons"

Image of Moe Szyslak with his quote from "The Simpsons:" “Man, soccer's even boring for the ball." | Source: Facebook.com/TheSimpsons

Image of Moe Szyslak with his quote from "The Simpsons:" “Man, soccer's even boring for the ball." | Source: Facebook.com/TheSimpsons

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"Grampa: You see? Old people aren't so useless after all. Malloy's old and he outsmarted the lot of you. And I'm even older and I outsmarted him. (Laughs)

Moe: Shut up.

Grampa: I've had my moment." ― "The Simpsons"

Moe Szyslak Quotes from Non-standard Life Situations Typical Only for Simpsons

"Man, soccer's even boring for the ball." ― Moe Szyslak, "The Simpsons"

"Manjula: My eyes have more bags than the Darjeeling Limited.

Moe: Hah, that's probably a good one." ― "The Simpsons"

"Homer: Moe, have you ever felt unattractive?

Moe: Mmmm, no.

Homer: How about you, Barney?

Barney: Not for a second!" ― "The Simpsons"

"Even the Koreans wouldn't touch this dog."― Moe Szyslak, "The Simpsons"

Image of Moe Szyslak with his quote from "The Simpsons:" “Even the Koreans wouldn't touch this dog." | Source: Facebook.com/TheSimpsons

Image of Moe Szyslak with his quote from "The Simpsons:" “Even the Koreans wouldn't touch this dog." | Source: Facebook.com/TheSimpsons

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"Moe: Hey Homer, why don't you nibble her elbow that always melts her butter, heh heh.

Marge: Get out! Everyone get out now!

Apu: Ooooh, she's got to have it!" ― "The Simpsons"

"Not bad. Like Frisbee Golf, I'm glad I tried it once." ― Moe Szyslak, "The Simpsons"

"Moe: Linda Ronstadt?! How did you get her?

Barney: Ah, we've been looking for a project to do together for a while." ― "The Simpsons"

"Ned: (inner child) Stay the course, big Ned. You're doing super!

Homer: (inner child) Food goes in here! (talking) It sure does.

Moe: (inner child) Hey, Moe, what's-a-matter? You no talka with you accent no more. Mama Mia!" ― "The Simpsons"

"Homer: She's gone!

Moe: And she trashed my bar! Oh no, wait, she actually cleaned up a little. Good for her." ― "The Simpsons"

Image of Moe Szyslak with his quote from "The Simpsons:" "Not bad. Like Frisbee Golf, I'm glad I tried it once." | Source: Facebook.com/TheSimpsons

Image of Moe Szyslak with his quote from "The Simpsons:" "Not bad. Like Frisbee Golf, I'm glad I tried it once." | Source: Facebook.com/TheSimpsons

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"Apu: Mr. Burns, just jump into the net!

Moe: Just jump!" ― "The Simpsons"

"That's a terrific title. It jumps out at you like a rat out of your underwear drawer." ― Moe Szyslak, "The Simpsons"

"Homer: Burns stiffed us!

Moe: I can't believe he acted completely in character!" ― "The Simpsons"Moe Szyslak, "The Simpsons"

"Grampa: Moe?! You shipped yourself here?

Moe: No, it's how you fly coach on Delta now." ― "The Simpsons"

"Why am I payin' $14.95 a month for this?" ― Moe Szyslak, "The Simpsons"

Image of Moe Szyslak with his quote from "The Simpsons:" “That's a terrific title. It jumps out at you like a rat out of your underwear drawer." | Source: Facebook.com/TheSimpsons

Image of Moe Szyslak with his quote from "The Simpsons:" “That's a terrific title. It jumps out at you like a rat out of your underwear drawer." | Source: Facebook.com/TheSimpsons

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"Moe: And that's that. Another story in the classic infallible three-act structure. Good enough for Aristotle, good enough for The Simpsons.

Lisa: Mr. Szyslak I have feeling there's going to be one more act to this story.

Moe: Well I'm not hanging around for that. Pfftt. Four acts." ― "The Simpsons"

"My brain goo's coming out all artistical, thanks to you." ― Moe Szyslak, "The Simpsons"

"Homer: Oh no, I went to this bar the other night and the.

Moe: Hey, wawait a minute. You went to another bar?

Homer: Moe, I was 100 miles out of town!

Moe: Oh, Homer." ― "The Simpsons"

"That wasn't the Wi-Fi - that was my Bell's Palsy acting up." ― Moe Szyslak, "The Simpsons"

"Moe: Who wants to abolish democracy forever? Show of hands.

Carl: I could really go for some kind of military thing like, uh, Juan Pern. When he disappeared ya, you stayed disappeared.

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Lenny: Plus his wife was Madonna." ― "The Simpsons"

"This ominscient point of view has some bonuses." ― Moe Szyslak, "The Simpsons"

Image of Moe Szyslak with his quote from "The Simpsons:" "That wasn't the Wi-Fi - that was my Bell's Palsy acting up." | Source: Facebook.com/TheSimpsons

Image of Moe Szyslak with his quote from "The Simpsons:" "That wasn't the Wi-Fi - that was my Bell's Palsy acting up." | Source: Facebook.com/TheSimpsons

“The Simpsons” success was due to the hard work of the many people behind the series, including Matt Groening, Nancy Cartwright, Hank Azaria, Dan Castellaneta, Julie Kavner, Nathan Fielder, and Jay North.

Besides Moe, other interesting characters had memorable, funny, and relatable quotes, such as Chief or Police Wiggum.

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