35 Grandpa Simpson Quotes: Ramblings from ‘The Simpsons' Senior Citizen

Grandpa Simpson is an eccentric war veteran with poor fathering skills, which is a recipe for great entertainment. Read 35 of his many humorous quotes below.

Grandpa Simpson, "Abraham Jebediah "Abe" Simpson II, Abe Simpson, or Grampa Simpson, is well-known for his strange stories and ramblings.

He is an essential character in the adult animation film "The Simpsons," and the franchise's film, taking on the role of Homer Simpson's father. Read 35 of "Abes" long-winded yet interesting quotes from the war veteran's mouth below.

Grandpa Simpson's quote: “I did wear a dress for a period in the '40s?” | Source: AmoDays

Grandpa Simpson’s ‘Back in My Days’ Quotes

“I used to be ‘with it.’ But then they changed what ‘it’ was.” — Grandpa Simpson

“You see, back in those days, rich men would ride around in zeppelins, dropping coins on people. And one day, I seen J. D. Rockefeller flyin’ by, so I run out of the house with a big washtub, and—Anyway, about my washtub. I just used it that morning to wash my turkey which in those days was known as a ‘walking bird.’ We’d always have walking bird on Thanksgiving, with all the trimmings. Cranberries, ‘injun eyes,’ and yams stuffed with gunpowder. Then we’d all watch football, which in those days was called ‘baseball.’” — Grandpa Simpson

“When I was a pup, we got spanked by presidents ‘til the cows came home.” — Grandpa Simpson

“I did wear a dress for a period in the '40s?” — Grandpa Simpson

"We can’t bust heads like we used to—but we have our ways. One trick is to tell them stories that don’t go anywhere like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so I decided to go to Morganville which is what they called Shelbyville in those days." — Grandpa Simpson

Grandpa Simpson's quote: “When I was a pup, we got spanked by presidents ‘til the cows came home.” | Source: AmoDays

“Hot diggety damn. Me first! Not many people know I owned the first radio in Springfield. Weren’t much on the air then. Just Edison reciting the alphabet over and over. ‘A,’ he’d say. Then ‘B.’ ‘C’ would usually follow.” — Grandpa Simpson

“So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn’t have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones.” — Grandpa Simpson

“Okay, you twisted my arm. The Simpson story begins back in the old country. I forget which one exactly. My father would drone on and on about America. He thought it was the greatest thing since sliced bread—sliced bread having been invented the previous winter. Later that day, we set sail for America. We had to move out [of the Statue of Liberty] once we’d filled the head with garbage. The end.” — Grandpa Simpson

Quotes of Grandpa Simpson Complaining

"When I read your magazine, I don’t see one wrinkled face or a single toothless grin. For shame!" — Grandpa Simpson

Grandpa Simpson's quote: “The metric system is the tool of the devil!”| Source: AmoDays

"Bah! Why didn’t you get something useful, like storm windows? Or a nice pipe organ? I’m thirsty. Ew, what smells like mustard? There sure are a lot of ugly people in your neighborhood. Oh, look at that one! Oh, my glaucoma just got worse. The president is a Demy-crat! Hello? I can’t unbuckle my seat belt. Hello? There are too many leaves in your walkway.” — Grandpa Simpson

“The metric system is the tool of the devil!” — Grandpa Simpson

Funny Grandpa Simpson Quotes

“Look at that; they re-created the thirties: tent cities, failing banks.” — Grandpa Simpson

“I’m in love! No,wait, it’s a stroke.” — Grandpa Simpson

"Let's go! If I'm not back at the home by nine, they declare me legally dead and collect my insurance!" — Grandpa Simpson

Grandpa Simpson's quote: “Look at that; they re-created the thirties: tent cities, failing banks.” | Source: AmoDays

"No, you're homely as a mule's butt!" — Grandpa Simpson

“Homer, you’re dumb as a mule and twice as ugly. If a strange man offers you a ride, I say take it.” — Grandpa Simpson

“What do you expect? You left me to raise the boy on my own! It was either tell him his mother’s dead or tell him his mother was a wanted criminal! You were a rotten wife, and I’ll never ever forgive you...Can we have sex? Please?” — Grandpa Simpson

"Uh, widower, one son, one working kidney. And you?" — Grandpa Simpson

Grandpa Simpson's quote: “So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time.” | Source: AmoDays

More of This Senior Citizen's Ramblings

"I miss Bea." — Grandpa Simpson

"Do we sell french...fries?" — Grandpa Simpson

"That's a lie, and you know it! But I did see a lot of movies." — Grandpa Simpson

"Eh, what are you, uh, doing tonight?" — Grandpa Simpson

Grandpa Simpson's quote: “I’m in love! No, wait, it’s a stroke.” | Source: AmoDays

"Who the hell are you?" — Grandpa Simpson

“What’s so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about sex? I had sex!” — Grandpa Simpson

“Were you sent here by the devil?”— Grandpa Simpson

"Is there room at your table for a foolish old man?" — Grandpa Simpson

"Sonny boy!" — Grandpa Simpson

Grandpa Simpson's quote: “Were you sent here by the devil?” | Source: AmoDays

“Uh-uh-uh. You never know what you’re capable of. I never thought I could shoot down a German plane, but last year I proved myself wrong.” — Grandpa Simpson

"Oh, Lisa, what makes you think you deserve all that money?"— Grandpa Simpson

"Is someone talking to me? I didn't hear anything." — Grandpa Simpson

“I’ll be deep in the cold, cold ground before I recognize Missour-ah!” — Grandpa Simpson

Grandpa Simpson's quote: “What's your hurry?” | Source: AmoDays

While some may find this character somewhat endearing, it is essential to remember that he was not the best fatherly figure to Homer Simpson. From keeping major family secrets, tarnishing Homer's careers and aspirations, and even attempting to take all the Simpsons' lives in the film, he is a complicated character.

This elderly grandfather was voiced by Dan Castellaneta, who ironically also voiced Homer. Beyond the main characters, many famous actors guest-starred and did the voice-overs for their animations, including Aaron Paul, Michelle Pfeiffer, Meryl Streep, and much more.

To dig deeper into the hilarious "The Simpsons" world, read these 36 Lionel Hutz quotes.