36 Lionel Hutz Quotes – ‘The Simpsons’s Hilarious Lawyer

Lionel Hutz, the shady lawyer of the hit sitcom "The Simpsons," is famous for how little he knows about the legal field. Often resorting to unethical means and taking cases confidently without adequate knowledge, Lionel Hutz's statements can't be taken seriously (especially in court.) Here are 36 Lionel Hutz quotes for you.

Lionel Hutz, voiced by late actor Phil Hartman, was one of the most intriguing characters in the hit sitcom "The Simpsons." While his appearance was cut after Phil Hartman's death, Lionel Hutz left an unforgettable impression on the viewers.

As portrayed in the show, Lionel is a shady lawyer who knows nothing about the legal area but is confident in his abilities. He frequently acts awkwardly, caring little about what society thinks of him, and he messes things up in his own hilarious ways.

When Marge's aunt died, the family approached Hutz to identify the estate executor. In the court, Hutz played a video of the aunt's will—but it was dubbed in his own voice! Depicting his hilarious personality, here are 36 Lionel Hutz quotes.

Lionel Hutz’s quote from “The Simpsons”: “Hey, this isn’t the YMCA.” | Source: facebook.com/TheSimpsons

Hilarious Lionel Hutz Quotes

"Mister Simpson, I was just going through your garbage…" — Lionel Hutz, "The Simpsons"

"Okay, two and I get to keep this old birdcage." — Lionel Hutz, "The Simpsons"

"Hey, this isn't the YMCA." — Lionel Hutz, "The Simpsons"

"I watched Matlock in a bar last night. The sound wasn't on, but I think I got the gist of it." — Lionel Hutz, "The Simpsons"

Lionel Hutz’s quote from “The Simpsons”: “It looks just like a cigar. Isn't that something?!” | Source: facebook.com/TheSimpsons

"Hutz is the name, Mr. Simpson. Lionel Hutz, attorney-at-law. Here's my card. It turns into a sponge when you put it in water." — Lionel Hutz, "The Simpsons"

"That was a right-pretty speech, sir. But I ask you, what is a contract? Webster's defines it as "an argument under the law which is unbreakable." Which is unbreakable!" — Lionel Hutz, "The Simpsons"

"Judge these won't be ready until Thursday." — Lionel Hutz, "The Simpsons"

Lionel Hutz’s quote from “The Simpsons”: “Judge these won't be ready until Thursday.” | Source: facebook.com/TheSimpsons

"The state bar forbids me from promising you a big cash settlement. But just between you and me, I promise you a big cash settlement. My fee is 50%. ...You'll be getting more than just a lawyer Mr. Simpson. You'll also be getting this exquisite pho pearl necklace, a $99 dollar value as our gift to you." — Lionel Hutz, "The Simpsons"

"It looks just like a cigar. Isn't that something?!" — Lionel Hutz, "The Simpsons"

"D'OOH!" — Lionel Hutz, "The Simpsons"

Lionel Hutz Quotes on His 'Sensible' Arguments & Other Characters' Quotes

"Homer, I don't use the word "hero" very often, but you are the greatest hero in American history." — Lionel Hutz, "The Simpsons"

Lionel Hutz’s quote from “The Simpsons”: “They got this all screwed up! (Referring to his business cards.)” | Source: facebook.com/TheSimpsons

"Lionel Hutz: Mr Simpson, you've been the boys father for ten years, do you really think he could be the leader of a murderous criminal syndicate?

Homer: Well not the leader, I mean... Oh it's true it's true, all the pieces fit!" — "The Simpsons"

"Lionel Hutz: First, some ground rules: Number one, we get bathroom breaks every half-hour.

Devil Flanders: Agreed! Number two, the jury will be chosen by me!

Lionel Hutz: Agreed. No, wait--

Devil Flanders: Silence! I give you the Jury of the Damned! Benedict Arnold, Lizzie Borden, Richard Nixon--

Nixon: But I'm not dead yet! In fact, I just wrote an article for Redbook.

Devil Flanders: Hey, listen; I did a favor for you!

Nixon: Yes, master.

Devil Flanders: John Wilkes Booth, Blackbeard the Pirate, John Dillinger, the starting line-up of the 1976 Philadelphia Flyers!

Simpsons: Ahh!" — "The Simpsons"

"Lionel Hutz: Don't worry, Homer. I have a fool proof strategy to get you out of here: surprise witnesses, each more surprising than the last. I tell you, the judge won't know what hit him!" — Lionel Hutz, "The Simpsons"

Lionel Hutz’s quote from “The Simpsons”: “Homer, I don't use the word "hero" very often, but you are the greatest hero in American history.” | Source: facebook.com/TheSimpsons

"Hutz: Mrs. Simpson, in your own words, please tell us what happened after you and your husband were ejected from the restaurant.

Marge: We pretty much went straight home.

Hutz: Remember, Mrs. Simpson, you're still under oath.

Marge: We drove around until 3:00 in the morning looking for another open all-you-can-eat seafood restaurant.

Hutz: And when you couldn't find any?

Marge: (crying) We went fishing!

Hutz: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, do these sound like the actions of a man who's had ALL he could eat?

Fat Juror: That could have been me!" — "The Simpsons"

"Marge: So, Mr. Hutz, does my husband have a case?

Hutz: I'm sorry, Mrs. Simpson, but you can't copyright a drink.

Homer: Oh!

Hutz: This all goes back to the Frank Wallbanger case of '78. How about that! I looked something up! These books behind me don't just make the office look good, they're filled with useful legal tidbits just like that!" — "The Simpsons"

Lionel Hutz’s quote from “The Simpsons”: “Ooh! He's going to win!” | Source: facebook.com/TheSimpsons

"Lionel Hutz: And so ladies and gentlemen of the jury. I rest my case.

Judge Snyder: Hmm. Mr Hutz. Do you know you're not wearing any pants?

Lionel Hutz: I... Ahh![David Crosby shakes his head in shame]

Lionel Hutz: I move for a 'bad court thingy'.

Judge Snyder: You mean a mistrial?

Lionel Hutz: Yeah! That's why you're the 'judge' and I'm the 'law talking guy?'

Judge Snyder: The lawyer?

Lionel Hutz : Right." — "The Simpsons"

"Lisa: Excuse me, Mr. Hutz. Are you a shyster?

Lionel Hutz: How does a nice little girl like you know a big word like that?" — "The Simpsons"

"Lionel Hutz: Now don't you worry, Mrs. Simpson, I... uh-oh. We've drawn Judge Snyder.

Marge: Is that bad?

Lionel Hutz: Well, he's had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog.

Marge: You did?

Lionel Hutz: Well, replace the word "kinda" with the word "repeatedly," and the word "dog" with "son."" — "The Simpsons"

Lionel Hutz’s quote from “The Simpsons”: “Can you imagine a world without lawyers?” | Source: facebook.com/TheSimpsons

"Lionel Hutz: Now, Apu, Mrs. Simpson claims that she forgot she was carrying that bottle of... delicious... bourbon. Brownest of the brown liquors... so tempting. [holds the bottle to his ear]

Lionel Hutz : [whispering] What's that? You want me to drink you? But I'm in the middle of a trial![puts it down]

Lionel Hutz: Excuse me.[he runs out of the courtroom, finds a payphone and quickly dials]

Lionel Hutz: Hello, David? I'm really tempted!

David Crosby: Just take it one day at a time, and know that I love you.

Lionel Hutz: I love you too, man." — "The Simpsons"

"Lionel Hutz: Hiring me as your attorney, you'll also receive this free smoking monkey.[places a toy monkey with a cigarette in it's mouth on the desk]

Marge: Mr Hutz.

Lionel Hutz: Look... he's taking another puff!" — "The Simpsons"

Lionel Hutz’s quote from “The Simpsons”: “I’ve argued in front of every judge in this state. Often as a lawyer.” | Source: facebook.com/TheSimpsons

"Bart Simpson: Mr. Hutz, when I grow up, I wanna be a lawyer just like you.

Lionel Hutz : Good for you, son. If there's one thing America needs, it's more lawyers. [visualizes the world in his head with multicultural people, holding hands and dancing happily; Hutz shudders]" — "The Simpsons"

"Lionel Hutz: Now, Mr. Nahasapeemapetilon, if that is your real name, is it true you have never forgotten anything?

Apu: No sir. In fact, I can recite pi to 40,000 places. The last digit is 1.

Lionel Hutz Quotes on Him Being Himself

"Can you imagine a world without lawyers?" — Lionel Hutz, "The Simpsons"

Lionel Hutz’s quote from “The Simpsons”: “The most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film "The Neverending Story".” | Source: facebook.com/TheSimpsons

"The most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film "The Neverending Story"." — Lionel Hutz, "The Simpsons"

"No, money down!" — Lionel Hutz, "The Simpsons"

"I've argued in front of every judge in this state. Often as a lawyer." — Lionel Hutz, "The Simpsons"

"Mr, Simpson, don't you worry." — Lionel Hutz, "The Simpsons"

"They got this all screwed up! (Referring to his business cards)" — Lionel Hutz, "The Simpsons"

Lionel Hutz’s quote from “The Simpsons”: “Okay, two and I get to keep this old birdcage.” | Source: facebook.com/TheSimpsons

"Ooh! He's going to win!" — Lionel Hutz, "The Simpsons"

"We've got witnesses and a paper trail a mile long!" — Lionel Hutz, "The Simpsons"

"Doctor, are you sure there isn't any soft-tissue trauma here?" — Lionel Hutz, "The Simpsons"

Lionel Hutz’s quote from “The Simpsons”: “Doctor, are you sure there isn't any soft-tissue trauma here?” | Source: facebook.com/TheSimpsons

Hutz is well aware that he is a lousy lawyer, but he does little to change. He prepares for court appearances by watching law shows rather than conducting research. When asked to represent the Simpsons, he firmly says that he has prepared by watching the judicial drama "Matlock."

Hutz, aside from making everyone laugh in court with his idiotic arguments, is also a bad negotiator. While it's distressing to see how his life is always in disarray, Hutz does little to change his situation.

If there's one thing you can learn from Hutz, it's his confidence. While he is foolish, he is confident in what he does. And, hey, his idiocy isn't all terrible because it makes him stand out. Doesn't it make Hutz interesting to watch? Read about another intriguing character in Mikey's quotes.

While Phil Hartman made us laugh countless times through Lionel Hutz, the actor's death was rather tragic. A similar actor behind a bright onscreen presence whose life came to a tragic end was Erin Moran from "Happy Days." They may have passed, but like many other actors who made us smile, their work remains their legacy.