27 Joe Swanson Quotes to Enjoy Irresistible Humor from Family Guy
Jan 09, 2024
An image of Peter Griffin in "Family Guy" with his quote: "I always thought dogs laid eggs. And I learned something today." | Source: facebook.com/FamilyGuy
69 Peter Griffin Quotes – Family Guy’s Rude Humor Supplier
Jun 18, 202302:00 A.M.
Peter Griffin is the lovable yet hilariously bumbling character from the animated series "Family Guy." He is a man of irreverent humor and never fails to tickle our funny bones. Here are 69 quotes from the show's resident comedian.
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The head of the Griffin family in the animated TV series "Family Guy," Peter, has repeatedly proven that he's the MVP of the show. As Lois' husband and the father of the delightfully quirky Meg, Chris, and Stewie, Peter's larger-than-life personality takes center stage.
Peter is the epitome of boisterousness, impulsivity, and eternal immaturity. He is the king of outrageous jokes and the master of all things loud and chaotic. However, it is precisely these crazy antics that have endeared him to fans worldwide.
Peter Griffin's quote: "I cry like Snoopy!" | Source: facebook.com/FamilyGuy
Peter Griffin Quotes Full of Humour
"I can be just as non-competitive as anybody. Matter of fact, I'm the most non-competitive. So I win." — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
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"I had such a crush on her... until I met you, Lois. You're my silver medal." — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
"How can I be a DJ? I'm just a guy with a laptop and an inflated self-image." — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
"I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want, but I have a very particular lack of skills. I will never be able to find you. But what I do have is two dollars and a Casio wristwatch. You can have one of them." — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
"Chris Griffin: Hey, Dad, are you busy? I was thinking we could spend some time together.
Peter Griffin: Okay, are you a television set of the Internet?
Chris Griffin: No.
Peter Griffin: Oh, then no." — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
Peter Griffin's quote: "I'm not the smartest man in the world, but I can always look back on my life and say I went for it." | Source: facebook.com/FamilyGuy
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"Lois might be worth a million dollars to you, but to me, she's worthless." — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
"Face it, I'm a bad husband, a lousy father, and a snappy dresser." — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
"There's a Message in my alpha-bits. It says ‘Oooooo.'" — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
"Peter Griffin: We have 3 boys for Family Feud.
Meg Griffin: But I'm not a...
Peter Griffin: Shut up, Greg." — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
"At least they don't put their feminine ointments next to the mustard, Lois. That was the worst hot dog I ever ate." — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
Peter Griffin's quote: "The only way to settle a family dispute is in the cage." | Source: facebook.com/FamilyGuy
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"What? Gosh, it's not like the internet to go crazy about something small and stupid." — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
"Whatever kills me makes me stronger." — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
"I can't believe… Jesus hasn't called me back. I left him a message like four hours ago." — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
"Meg, who let you back in the house?" — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
"There are gaps in my knowledge. This is hardly news." — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
Peter Griffin's quote: "When I set my mind to something, anything's possible." | Source: facebook.com/FamilyGuy
"I wish I was Beyoncé." — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
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[Speaking to his family] "Well you guys we did it. We finally went to a restaurant without somebody yelling at us, and the rest of the place applauding them." — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
"I haven't felt this great in years! I feel like Arnold Schwarzenegger, except without the fruity accent or the Pirates of the Caribbean wife." — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
"Remember how you wanted that new wedding engagement ring? Well, I got a horse." — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
Peter Griffin's quote: "Sitting here all sober is more boring than watching a pot boil." | Source: facebook.com/FamilyGuy
"Lois, this family believes in the Easter bunny. He died for our sins in that helicopter crash." — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
"What if God is a serial killer? He lowers the average lifespan of humans to 65." — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
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"Whoa, Whoa... Lois, this is not my Batman glass." — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
"Peter Griffin: Did you just say I was fat?
Doctor: Well, uh, yeah. You... you are pretty fat.
Peter Griffin: Um, okay... this is news to me." — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
"I want an apology and some Rice Krispie Treats!" — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
Peter Griffin's quote: "Secrets are what keeps a marriage fresh." | Source: facebook.com/FamilyGuy
Peter Griffin Quotes Filled with Things We Can Learn from Him
"You know... I always thought that dogs, uh, laid eggs. And today, I learned something." — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
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"They better not be expecting us to give money because I gave at church last Sunday, and I'm pretty sure it all goes to the same God." — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
"This is what you call life. Therefore go and enjoy yourself. What is correct for you might not be correct for others. You take both bad as well as good, and there, my opening assertion comes true. Ubu, sit down, good pooch." — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
"Any problem caused by a tank can be solved by a tank." — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
"I guess we've learned that no matter who you are or where you come from, life is a terrible thing." — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
Peter Griffin's quote: "Remember how you wanted that new wedding engagement ring? Well, I got a horse." | Source: facebook.com/FamilyGuy
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"Lois Griffin: Peter, you're bribing your daughter with a car?
Peter Griffin: Come on, Lois, isn't 'bribe' just another word for 'love?'" — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
"Bird is the word." — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
"Brian Griffin: Seriously, who buys a novelty fire extinguisher?
Peter Griffin: I'll tell you who: someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his entire family into serious danger, that's who." — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
"Secrets are what keeps a marriage fresh." — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
"Sitting here all sober is more boring than watching a pot boil." — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
Peter Griffin's quote: "Any problem caused by a tank can be solved by a tank." | Source: facebook.com/FamilyGuy
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"All right, red light. Time to text and shave and whittle and floss." — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
"Peter Griffin: You know that Chuck Norris is so tough that there is no chin behind his beard, it's only another fist.
Brian Griffin: That's ridiculous.
[he finds Chuck Norris behind him. then a fist come out of his beard and punches out Brian]" — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
"We act like we didn't take a lot from the Simpsons. We took a lot from the Simpsons." — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
"Peter Griffin: Brian, maybe you should be a little less mad at me and a little more mad at the guys growing mustaches for this month.
Brian Griffin: Hey, don't mock Mo-vember. Last year, I raised eight dollars and got on a BuzzFeed listicle.
Peter Griffin: No! You use real words! Internet stuff is not real words." — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
"When I set my mind to something, anything's possible." — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
Peter Griffin's quote: "I want an apology and some Rice Krispie Treats!" | Source: facebook.com/FamilyGuy
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"I have an idea so smart that my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about." — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
"The only way to settle a family dispute is in the cage." — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
"Aw, Quagmire got away with it and learned nothing. That's great." — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
Peter Griffin Quotes That Are Worth to Remember
"Wow, you're cooler than a York peppermint patty!" — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
"Lois, if God wanted me to not sleep with my wife, he would have made me John Travolta." — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
Peter Griffin's quote: "There are gaps in my knowledge. This is hardly news." | Source: facebook.com/FamilyGuy
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"I hate to sound like every woman ever, but I'm depressed." — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
"Home Supply Employee: Can I help you?
Peter Griffin: Yeah, I hate my neighbor, and I want to build something crazy out of spite.
Home Supply Employee: Well, I'll take you to our one up-man-ship aisle" — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
"Oh, I will find one. I mean, you are looking at the guy who found the fountain of youth. It is very far away from here." — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
"Lois Griffin: Peter, did you rob a bunch of people on the beach with your metal detector?
Peter Griffin: Well, that's only half the story. I also hooted at a lady who was breastfeeding." — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all, shut the hell up!" — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
Peter Griffin's quote: "Whatever kills me makes me stronger." | Source: facebook.com/FamilyGuy
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"I'm not the smartest man in the world, but I can always look back on my life and say I went for it." — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
"This is a story of love and loss, fathers and sons, and the foresight to retain international merchandising rights. This is the story of Star Wars. Let's begin with part four." — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
"...Lois, you lied to me!" — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
"Hey Lois, I didn't flush. I want you to come see it. Looks like the Starbucks mermaid." — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
"Brian Griffin: Peter, what the hell? You chose a turkey over me? I almost died!
Peter Griffin: I swear to God I thought dogs could breathe underwater." — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
Peter Griffin's quote: "What? Gosh, it's not like the internet to go crazy about something small and stupid." | Source: facebook.com/FamilyGuy
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"Oh my god, who the hell cares?" — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
"What do you expect me to do with all these great ideas? Put them in a tub and clean myself with them? 'Cause, that's what soap is for Lois." — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
"I don't know what I'm doin' here. I was just lookin' for the can." — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
"You better watch who you're calling a child, Louis." — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
"Peter Griffin: This party couldn't be better if Jesus was here.
Jesus: For my next miracle, I will turn water... into funk." — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
Peter Griffin's quote: "Face it, I'm a bad husband, a lousy father, and a snappy dresser." | Source: facebook.com/FamilyGuy
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"I have a confession to make, I did not like 'The Godfather.'" — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
"I saw 'Baywatch.' That thing was freakin' rad." — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
"You're turning out to be a bigger buzzkill than Buzz Killington." — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
"Meg Griffin: I MATTER!
Peter Griffin: Shut up, Meg, you don't matter!" — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
Peter Griffin's quote: "Lois might be worth a million dollars to you, but to me, she's worthless." | Source: facebook.com/FamilyGuy
[Speaking to Stewie as he's brought home from the hospital] "Well, it's up to you, buddy. Save this marriage." — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
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"I'm planning on dying tonight. What are *your* plans?" — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
"I'm young, I'm all dressed up, I'm on my way to marry the woman I love, and there's 290 years separating me from the films of Kevin Smith." — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
Peter Griffin's quote: "How can I be a DJ? I'm just a guy with a laptop and an inflated self-image." | Source: facebook.com/FamilyGuy
"I cry like Snoopy!" — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
"Before you read that, you need to know one thing. I'm the one who's been throwing out your beige bras. Guys don't like beige bras." — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
"Glenn Quagmire: That's a military fighter jet! He's here to shoot us down!
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Peter Griffin: Or she." — Peter Griffin, "Family Guy"
Peter Griffin's quote: "I had such a crush on her... until I met you, Lois. You're my silver medal." | Source: facebook.com/FamilyGuy
From his self-deprecating remarks to his clever references to popular culture, Peter Griffin's brilliant quirks and witty quips will undoubtedly leave you in laughter. Join in the fun with his unforgettable quotes below.
"Family Guy" is one of the longest-running animated series ever to grace TV screens, and actor Seth MacFarlane breathed life into Peter's character. Several celebrities, such as Drew Barrymore, Carrie Fisher, and Miley Cyrus, have been featured in the show.
While Peter's quotes may not always make perfect sense, they bring laughter and entertainment to the audience. His childlike nature reminds us to embrace life, find joy in the absurd, and never take ourselves too seriously.
Like Peter, Glen Quagmire has captivated fans in the "Family Guy" universe with his quirky nature through a fascinating array of quotes.
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