97 Dane Cook Quotes — The World through a Dark Comedy Lens

Comedy in the United States has changed over the last decade, and what was once considered funny might not be so humorous today. Dane Cook's stand-up and albums fall into that category, but no one can deny that he was one of the biggest acts in the world at some point. Read these 97 Dane Cook quotes.

Whether people hate him or love him, everyone has to admit that between 2005 and 2008, Dane Cook was everywhere. He appeared in movies like "Employee of the Month," "My Best Friend's Girl," and "Good Luck Chuck," where he made audiences laugh constantly.

He also hosted "Saturday Night Live" a couple of times. He was the first stand-up comedian of the generation to have Top 10 Billboard albums while selling out arenas across America. However, he seemingly disappeared after 2014's "Troublemaker," but he's back.

In 2022, he released a special "Above It All" on the VOD platform Moment. The show was filmed on his front porch, and the reviews were mixed. Cook is older now, but his die-hard fans can rest easy knowing that his humor remains intact. Let's remember his best moments with these 97 Dane Cook quotes.

Dane Cook's quote: “What happens in Vegas, I'm telling everyone.” | Source: Amodays

Dane Cook Quotes Filled Will Humour

"The little boy inside of all us men always loves something video game related.” — Dane Cook

“I have faith in all mankind. Well, not faith, really, more like hopeful suspicion. And not “all” but 5 people. Mankind meaning computers.” — Dane Cook

“I live my life like there’s no yesterday.” — Dane Cook

“What happens in Vegas, I'm telling everyone.” — Dane Cook

“I don’t hate anyone. I simply block them out using hellish visions in a blind white rage. But if I see them out I’m pleasant.” — Dane Cook

Dane Cook's quote: “Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.” | Source: Amodays

“Sometimes, when you want to make a difference in a person’s life, stay out of it.” — Dane Cook

“It’s an incredible feeling falling in love someone who doesn’t know you exist.” — Dane Cook

"I'm sure that people who have been tweeting funny things have ended up on writing staffs of a late night show.” — Dane Cook

“Sometimes the only solution is figuring out a bigger problem to focus on.” — Dane Cook

Dane Cook's quote: “Valentine’s Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you’re single & lonely, then it’s called Laundry Day.” | Source: Amodays

“I don't like people that litter. If you don't throw a wrapper in the trashcan and you just toss it out on the ground I wanna take you and toss you into outer space.” — Dane Cook

“Valentine’s Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you’re single & lonely then it’s called Laundry Day.” — Dane Cook

“When somebody says I wouldn’t change a thing they’re thinking of something they would change.” — Dane Cook

"Everybody’s got a dream house. The house of your dreams." — Dane Cook

“When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.” — Dane Cook

Dane Cook's quote: “I love singing along to the radio while I’m riding in the back of a squad car.” | Source: Amodays

"I don't like littering, and I think it leads to terrorist activities.” — Dane Cook

"When I'm looking for hot button answers to tough questions, I don't look to congressman or my mayor. I say, 'What would Miss U.S.A. have to say about this?'” — Dane Cook

“Video games don’t make people go nuts. I played Super Mario forever. Not once hopping on a turtle or smash my head through a brick ceiling.” — Dane Cook

"I just get excited doing shows. Off stage, I am actually very feeble and must be spoon-fed because my hands are too brittle.” — Dane Cook

Dane Cook's quote: "I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.” | Source: Amodays

"When you swear to God, its true ... right now God is watching and saying, this is true.” — Dane Cook

“You must accept responsibility for your actions. This doesn’t include reactions, interactions, or transactions if you’re thinkin’ loophole.” — Dane Cook

“My nickname for my mom was ‘The Compass.'” — Dane Cook

“I say God bless you, I don't say bless you ... I am not the Lord, I can't do that.” — Dane Cook

"I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.” — Dane Cook

Dane Cook's quote: "I was being chased by a giant crab. [Audience laughs] That's not funny. | Source: Amodays

"There's estrogen running through my veins!” — Dane Cook

“How do you fall into a lion’s den, that is my first question there, you think you would be extra careful around a den of lions.” — Dane Cook

"I was being chased by a giant crab. [Audience laughs] That's not funny.” — Dane Cook

“When a guy says, 'I have no idea what you’re talking about' it means 'I’m thinking of exactly what you’re saying I did while I lie to you.'” — Dane Cook

Dane Cook's quote: “Pain only hurts when you are looking for a reason to quit. You don't feel a thing when you know you can still win.” | Source: Amodays

"Here's a fun one right.

Guys, next time you at a bar, whatever, and you see a girl at the bar

Just walk up to her and go like this...

'Hey, are you gonna walk to your car by yourself later?

I'll be over here watching you all night'” — Dane Cook

Dane Cook Quotes Filled with Revelations

“I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.” — Dane Cook

“Pain only hurts when you are looking for a reason to quit. You don't feel a thing when you know you can still win.” — Dane Cook

“I feel like I was born and bred to stay self-motivated. I'm not one of those people who ho-hums and feels sorry for himself when something's bad.” — Dane Cook

“When you’re not in love, when you don’t have love, everybody you know falls in love.” — Dane Cook

Dane Cook's quote: “Trolls look for reasons to hate, but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.” | Source: Amodays

“When you don't have love, it's like there's a party going on, and everybody was invited, except for you. And you just happened to be walking by that house in the rain.” — Dane Cook

"My mom and dad passed away from cancer. Within nine months, I lost both of my folks. Immediately after that, I had a horrible betrayal where my brother, who worked for me, stole a lot of my money. He's in jail now.” — Dane Cook

“Trolls look for reasons to hate, but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.” — Dane Cook

“I don't get any anxiety. I don't because of two reasons. Number one, just breaking through it as a kid and finally getting past it was like, okay, nothing's ever going to feel that scary again as that deafening silence of a joke not working. Any joke not working is not as bad as not being able to even try and get on stage.” — Dane Cook

Dane Cook's quote: “I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.” | Source: Amodays

"I want to be able to challenge myself. And do things that are away from what I usually do. Stand-up is safe for me. I can do stand-up in front of twenty-five thousand people, and I'm like, "I know how to do this. This is what I do." I want to be a little scared.” — Dane Cook

“I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.” — Dane Cook

“You know what’s really weird? You notice that the phone always rings when you’re crying. And what’s really strange is you answer it. You answer it. Even if you don’t want the world to know you’re crying, you still pick up the phone. And I think it’s because, subconsciously, you’re reaching out. You want somebody to help you. So you pick up the phone and try to disguise it.” — Dane Cook

“In school, I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home, I was a freak.” — Dane Cook

"I love hecklers. They remind you that you are a comedian.” — Dane Cook

Dane Cook's quote: “I don't have to do anything for anyone else's benefit anymore. I just want to exceed my own expectations.” | Source: Amodays

"I do try to keep my show very improvisational. I don't work off a set list; I like to keep it more in the moment. I like to have information about where I'm going, what might be happening in that particular region as well. I like for people to feel like the show is for them.” — Dane Cook

"I'm glad that my parents missed one thing that was really unbelievable. They saw me hit this great success. It was a blast, and we had a lot of laughs. And it was just an amazing time. They passed away. And then after I got, you know, famous, all these haters came out of nowhere.” — Dane Cook

“I don't have to do anything for anyone else's benefit anymore. I just want to exceed my own expectations.” — Dane Cook

“I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.” — Dane Cook

Dane Cook's quote: “It’ll be very subtle. It'll almost be a whisper... And why is that? To make you listen.” | Source: Amodays

"My real first job was delivering newspapers with I was 15. I would ride my bike around and chuck papers at people's houses. The thing that sucked is when I would go collecting, everyone acted like they were not home. Totally sucked, but because I could control the weather, I showered trashcan size hail down on their homes until they were completely decimated.” — Dane Cook

“I'm interested in doing anything and everything that I can to squeeze the creativity out of my brain. I guess I'm kind of a performance rat, that's what I want to do, I love being on stage if I'm not on a set. I just love putting creativity into a performance.” — Dane Cook

“It’ll be very subtle. It'll almost be a whisper... And why is that? To make you listen.” — Dane Cook

"After you have loss in your life and after you experience something like losing your parents, the greatest gift of that was it prepared me for [anything]. Nothing else is as scary, and certainly, stand-up comedy is not as scary as sitting there with your mom and having to have last conversations and things like that. It's heavy stuff, but it's enlightening because it makes me think I shouldn't be afraid of sharing ideas and thoughts with people. It's the yin and the yang of life.” — Dane Cook

“When you’re in a relationship, when you’re with somebody awful, I call that a relation-s**t.” — Dane Cook

Dane Cook's quote: "I don't know if I could rebuild an airplane engine, but I know a little bit about rotors and rivets.” | Source: Amodays

"If a kid is really interested in wanting to have a career in aviation, he's actually learning and getting some of the [basics], not even just fringe. There are things in here that movie [Planes] about like the pulp of an engine, and it's the actual engine, the actual parts, and pieces. So I felt like I got schooled as well. I learned a lot just being in there and doing that.” — Dane Cook

"I don't know if I could rebuild an airplane engine, but I know a little bit about rotors and rivets.” — Dane Cook

“We're all gonna lie, we're all gonna cry, and we're all gonna take painful s**ts.” — Dane Cook

Dane Cook Quotes Full of Observations

“Oh god. I landed in Marshmallows. How mad can I be?” — Dane Cook

Dane Cook's quote: “You can try to steal the thunder all you want, it just reminds people I’m the lightning. You rumble in the distance. I light up the sky.” | Source: Amodays

"The whole thing with comedy is that you are always in control. Writer, director, actor, producer, and sometimes bouncer. And you are just a piece of their puzzle.” — Dane Cook

“Let me tell you why women, you win 99.9% of all fights. Yup. Yup, and I’ll tell you why right now. Here it is: because you are mental terrorists. You are brain ninjas, and you know how to get in there with your katana and just cut us; and disappear into the night.” — Dane Cook

"Comedy is immediate. Comedy is a solo mission. You're all by yourself, up there. And when you're in a film, on a set, it's a collaborative effort. It's about me being a tool for somebody else to create a story and a character from nothing, from their imagination.” — Dane Cook

“You can try to steal the thunder all you want, it just reminds people I’m the lightning. You rumble in the distance. I light up the sky.” — Dane Cook

"I love being on stage if I'm not on a set. If I'm at home, I'm usually in my office editing or reconstructing my website or whatever it may be. I just love putting creativity into a performance, so if the right script comes along, and I certainly am reading comedies and dramas now, then I'm ready, willing, and able to give it a shot.” — Dane Cook

Dane Cook's quote: “In the year 3000, everything will be instant.” | Source: Amodays

“I’ve been ignoring my feelings lately. That works pretty well. Might also settle for less this week, just to try it out.” — Dane Cook

“If you use tact, you can say anything, then make it funny.” — Dane Cook

“In the year 3000, everything will be instant.” — Dane Cook

"You've gotta share what's going on in your mind.” — Dane Cook

Dane Cook's quote: “I have new ideas every day, and I always want to take on new challenges. | Source: Amodays

“You’re trying to find things to argue over. Because we can never just be adult and look at each other and go, 'Hey, you know what? Hey, come here. Come here for a second. Um, we’re fuckin’ over, aren’t we? All right, you go that way, I’ll go this way. It was good times!' Nah, instead, you’re like, 'Let me just stick around for five or six years, and then we can end this thing violently. Let’s do that.'” — Dane Cook

"Do you have a pen- I don't have a pen...Can you remember all my s**t? Do you have a lipstick or something? A crayon?" — Dane Cook

“I have new ideas every day, and I always want to take on new challenges.” — Dane Cook

“I found someone’s passport on the ground tonight. Where do you sell these things?” — Dane Cook

“My fam is just a regular family. But all of them have great senses of humor.” — Dane Cook

Dane Cook's quote: “When I first hit the scene, it was just a lot of go, go, go, go, go. I have a lot of natural energy anyway, but it was over the top.” | Source: Amodays

“I like fearless characters, people just not afraid to do anything it takes to make people laugh.” — Dane Cook

"I gotta have a swamp too. Gotta have a swamp. Either a swamp, our a marsh full of marshmallows. MARSHmallows." — Dane Cook

“When I first hit the scene, it was just a lot of go, go, go, go, go. I have a lot of natural energy anyway, but it was over the top.” — Dane Cook

“Then it was snack time, right in the middle of mass. Right out of nowhere, the priest would look down and say, ‘Let’s have some yum yums!’ You would get in line – you would jump in the line – and you would go up and get the crouton O’Christ.” — Dane Cook

Dane Cook's quote: “I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin!” | Source: Amodays

"I always thought that if I got no love at all early in my standup career, or I was god awful, I thought I'd get into psychology.” — Dane Cook

“I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV, I'd always say, 'Why not me?'” — Dane Cook

"...I hope he's in the middle of the wilderness and he's doing his tree thing. Whatever it is trees do. I know they do alot of work with breezes. And wouldn't it be fantastic if while he was out there just enjoying his treeness. Through the woods, a huge, sweaty guy with an axe comes along. Sees him. Chops him down. Smash. Put a chain around him. Drag him through the mud and the muck. Put him into a sawmill. Grind him up. Then you pound him down into paper. And once he's paper. You print the Bible on him” — Dane Cook

“I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin!” — Dane Cook

“It was peace. Peace is when you would shake the hands of the people around you. And you knew peace was coming because the priest would say it five times rapid fire. He'd go, ‘My peace I leave, my peace I give to you. While we ate Reese's Pieces with the Lord. And I have a piece of lint in my peaceful eye!’” — Dane Cook

Dane Cook's quote: "Nothing is a better icebreaker than a great joke.” | Source: Amodays

“I'm always going to be someone that people enjoy watching.” — Dane Cook

"Nothing is a better icebreaker than a great joke.” — Dane Cook

“I'm a late-night guy.” — Dane Cook

"Here's the thing about Red Sox fans, or actually just fans from that region, in general: they appreciate the effort. And if you mail it in or if you give 80 percent, even with a win, they'll let you know that's not how you do it. They want – if it's comedian, if it's a musician, bring us your best show.” — Dane Cook

Dane Cook's quote: "You have to learn the crowd. I just pay attention to them so I can make sure I can make them laugh.” | Source: Amodays

"I can do more than just stand-up comedy, and the only way I'll be able to show that is if I do it myself. Because nobody trusts that I can do it.” — Dane Cook

"When you're on a movie set, and you are hopefully making a comedy, everyone's stifling their laughter. You're looking at the crew guys, hoping someone is making that face like, and not like, this is not working out, man.” — Dane Cook

"You have to learn the crowd. I just pay attention to them so I can make sure I can make them laugh.” — Dane Cook

"Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!” — Dane Cook

“I get so into the moment.” — Dane Cook

Dane Cook's quote: "I was doing comedy in laundry mats in 1992, literally where I would bring a little gorilla amp and a lapel mike and just start performing.” | Source: Amodays

"I was doing comedy in laundry mats in 1992, literally where I would bring a little gorilla amp and a lapel mike and just start performing.” — Dane Cook

Dane Cook's quote: "Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!” | Source: Amodays

Although the comedian is now 51, his latest special reminds his old fans that humor doesn't exactly die. It evolves and changes over time. It's also great to be able to make fun of himself, and in his special, he touched on one of his most criticized characteristics: his young girlfriend.

Cook recently got engaged to Kelsi Storm, who's 26 years younger than him, but they've been together since she was 17. Obviously, people were concerned with the timing and the age gap, but Cook addresses it in his special with a classic joke: "I bet the internet's happy for me."

If you want to know more about Dane Cook, find out how his brother got in trouble. Meanwhile, if you enjoy funny, cynical, and critical jokes, check out these quotes.