59 'M*A*S*H' Quotes That Never Get Old and Still Make People Laugh

"M*A*S*H" was one of those rare gems of a series that could present serious topics while making the audience laugh and think simultaneously. Find out more by reading these "M*A*S*H" quotes below.

The series "M*A*S*H" is a dark-humored war comedy, an adaption from the movie of the same name. It aired from the early 1970s to the early 1980s and was about a mobile surgical hospital full of doctors and medical aids. These individuals found themselves thrust into the Korean War while working in South Korea.

While the show had many funny moments, it made individuals sit back and think about the current state of affairs at the time. Follow and get to know its characters Hawkeye Pierce, Major Franklin Marion Burns, Margaret, and many more by reading these "M*A*S*H" quotes.

Father Mulcahy’s quote: “I have a good mind to baptize you both in dirty water.” | Source: AmoDays

Best Hawkeye Pierce Quotes

“If we don’t go crazy once in a while, we’ll all go crazy.” — Hawkeye Pierce

“War isn't hell. War is war, and hell is hell. And of the two, war is a lot worse.” — Hawkeye Pierce

“I'm not sleeping, I'm inspecting the inside of my eyelids.” — Hawkeye Pierce

“This is the first case of teenage male menopause.” — Hawkeye Pierce

“Henry, you have no idea what it's like sharing a tent with a guy who thinks he's all twelve disciples!” — Hawkeye Pierce

Hawkeye Pierce’s quote: “You ever had one of those wars where everything goes wrong?” | Source: AmoDays

“The instrument has yet to be devised that can test my indifference to that remark.” — Hawkeye Pierce

“Henry: You were ordered to stand down!

Hawkeye: I did, but I fell up again.” — "M*A*S*H"

“You ever had one of those wars where everything goes wrong?” — Hawkeye Pierce

“Only to excess.” — Hawkeye Pierce

“Henry: I assume you've all read my notice concerning the recent crime wave.

Hawkeye: I would've read it, but the notice was stolen.” — "M*A*S*H"

Hawkeye Pierce’s quote: “If we don’t go crazy once in a while, we’ll all go crazy.” | Source: AmoDays

“I will not carry a gun, Frank. When I got thrown into this war I had a clear understanding with the Pentagon: no guns. I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to Old Virginia, I'll even 'hari-kari' if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun!” — Hawkeye Pierce

“Frank: I can plug an ace of hearts at fifty feet.

Hawkeye: I'll remember that if we're ever attacked by a bridge club.” — "M*A*S*H"

“Frank, do you know what a hero is? Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, he's somebody who's tired enough and cold enough and hungry enough not to give a damn. I don't give a damn.” — Hawkeye Pierce

Hawkeye Pierce’s quote: “War isn't hell. War is war, and hell is hell. And of the two, war is a lot worse.” | Source: AmoDays

“I am the essence of overconfidence. I am speculation, adventure, the spirit of pursuit, the stag howling for its winsome, yet anonymous mate. I am the love call of evolution, the perfume and color of the flowers as they offer their pollen to the gentle fuzz of the bees...gentlemen. I am life, I am appetite!” — Hawkeye Pierce

“Trapper: You have a lot of trouble with women, don't you?

Hawkeye: Every chance that I can!” — "M*A*S*H"

“Halloween in Korea; bobbing for shrapnel.” — Hawkeye Pierce

“Lt. Dish: Hawkeye, I'm trying to be faithful. How many times must I tell you I'm engaged?

Hawkeye Pierce: I'm engaged, too; think of me as a dress rehearsal.

Lt. Dish: A girl can only take so much.

Hawkeye Pierce: Are we anywhere near that part yet?” — "M*A*S*H"

Hawkeye Pierce’s quote: “I just don’t know why they’re shooting at us. All we want to do is bring them democracy and white bread.” | Source: AmoDays

“Margaret: You all know what day this is. Friday the 13th.

Frank: She's right, and—Nah, doesn't mean a thing.

Hawkeye: Don't say that, Frank. I once spent Friday the 13th in a haunted house with a friend. I was never more frightened in my life.

Potter: You see a ghost?

Hawkeye: No, her husband materialized out of nowhere.” — "M*A*S*H"

"Well, what’s the slop du jour?” — Hawkeye Pierce

“I just don’t know why they’re shooting at us. All we want to do is bring them democracy and white bread. Transplant the American dream. Freedom. Achievement. Hyperacidity. Affluence. Flatulence. Technology. Tension. The inalienable right to an early coronary sitting at your desk while plotting to stab your boss in the back.” — Hawkeye Pierce

“Look, you can't lay all that on my shoulders. Don't you know how much this place stinks? I hate this place. And if I can't stand up to it to your satisfaction, then...then the hell with it. How dare you? The hell with your Iowa naivete, and the hell with your hero worship and your teddy bear, and while you're at it, the hell with you! Why don't you grow up, for crying out loud? I'm not here for you to admire. I'm here to pull bodies out of a sausage grinder, if possible without going crazy. Period. [Radar begins to cry] Come on, cut it out. Stop it, will ya!? You ninny!” — Hawkeye Pierce

Memorable Major Franklin Marion Burns Quotes

“Marriage is probably the chief cause of divorce.” — Major Franklin Marion Burns

“Corporal, deform the men.” — Major Franklin Marion Burns

Major Franklin Marion Burn’s quote: “I'm only paranoid because everyone's against me!” | Source: AmoDays

“I'm fine, Mom. Well, actually, I'm not. You see, I had this friend. And this friend only pretended to like me. You know, the way Dad used to?” — Major Franklin Marion Burns

“Individuality is fine—as long as we all do it together.” — Major Franklin Marion Burns

Major Franklin Marion Burn’s quote: “...unless we follow our leaders blindly, there is no possible way we can remain free.” | Source: AmoDays

“I'm only paranoid because everyone's against me!” — Major Franklin Marion Burns

“I want foxholes there, there, there, and there, each one smartly dug. The kind of hole a man can throw himself into with pride.” — Major Franklin Marion Burns

"I’ve gotten 'Thank you,' notes from people I said I’d never see again” — Major Franklin Marion Burns

“Margaret: They love you, Frank.

Frank: It was their hatred that fooled me.” — "M*A*S*H"

“The way I see it, unless we each conform, unless we obey orders, unless we follow our leaders blindly, there is no possible way we can remain free.” — Major Franklin Marion Burns

Major Franklin Marion Burn’s quote: “Individuality is fine—as long as we all do it together.” | Source: AmoDays

“You can’t park a jeep over a superior officer!” — Major Franklin Marion Burns

“I happen to believe in the sanctity of marriage no matter how ugly or disgusting it gets. I'd kill her before I'd divorce her!” — Major Franklin Marion Burns

“Anyone who needs psychiatry is sick in the head.” — Major Franklin Marion Burns

Famous ‘M*A*S*H’ Quotes from Margaret, Radar, and Other Characters

“I’ve never seen you in your underneath before.” — Radar

“Money is far down on my list, major. It comes second or third. Second.” — Margaret

Margaret’s quote: “You different men are all alike.” | Source: AmoDays

“Oh, go salute yourselves!” — Margaret

“Do you know that you look just like my father before he died?” — Margaret

“Frank: I didn't come here to be liked.

Radar: You certainly came to the right place.” — "M*A*S*H"

“Hawkeye: Great little war we have here.

Radar: I could do without it.” — "M*A*S*H"

“You different men are all alike.” — Margaret

Sherman T. Potter’s quote: “You blow another kiss, Pierce and those lips will never walk again.” | Source: AmoDays

“It’s Mrs. Colonel, your wife, sir.” — Radar

“Poetry, right? That’s great how they can rhyme and be hot at the same time.” — Radar

“What? He changed to psychiatry? That’s crazy!” — Radar

“Sometimes when a man's anxious to stick out a glad hand, it's because he's got something up his sleeve.” — Sherman T. Potter

Sherman T. Potter’s quote: “It’s 3 ‘blessed’ a.m.! Even roosters are comatose!” | Source: AmoDays

“You have to give Winchester a credit. He is bright, educated, and an A-1 surgeon, and with all that, he still found room to be a total j*rk.” — Sherman T. Potter

“It’s 3 ‘blessed’ a.m.! Even roosters are comatose!” — Sherman T. Potter

“It always amazes me how a baby can take a normal adult and turn him into a babbling idi*t.” — Sherman T. Potter

“You blow another kiss, Pierce and those lips will never walk again.” — Sherman T. Potter

“Klinger: What's this morning's breakfast?

Trapper: Last night's dinner.

Margaret’s quote: “Oh, go salute yourselves!” | Source: AmoDays

“If I had all the answers, I'd run for God.” — Maxwell Klinger

“It's no contest: neither one of you. You guys don't even make the first cut. I'm trying to tell my uncle what kind of a place I work in: doctors, nurses saving lives. Well, I got a commanding officer who dresses me up in his clothes and sits me on a horse named Sophie so he can paint his own picture. There's a priest writing war ditties, and a snooty... And if that doesn't do it for ya, I got a head nurse who shoots unarmed luggage. All you two guys do is walk around all day telling jokes. What the hell's so funny about that? [returns to writing his letter] Ya see, Unc? It's no wonder I never got a Section Eight; there's nothing special about me. Everybody here is crazy.” — Maxwell Klinger

“I have a good mind to baptize you both in dirty water.” — Father Mulcahy

Margaret’s quote: “Do you know that you look just like my father before he died?” | Source: AmoDays

“Simmons: I'm sorry for being so young.

BJ: That's all right, you'll grow out of it.” — "M*A*S*H"

“Corporal Owens: I don't want to go back to the fighting.

BJ: Sounds serious. You may be coming down with mental health.” — "M*A*S*H"

“Frank Burns: [spotting Hawkeye browsing through his personal shelf] What are you doing up there?

Hawkeye Pierce: I just wanted to borrow your Bible, Frank.

Frank Burns: Since when are you two interested in the Bible?

Trapper John McIntyre: I peeked at the end, Frank. The Devil did it.” — "M*A*S*H"

Major Franklin Marion Burns’ quote: “Marriage is probably the chief cause of divorce.” | Source: AmoDays

These quotes are primarily humorous with an undertone of commentary. Now and then, however, they slip in some seriously somber statements. This is brilliant writing because it lets darker comedy moments stand out and significantly impact viewers.

One individual who recently wrote a heavily famous comedy with some serious commentary was the ever-talented screenwriter and director Greta Gerwig. Gerwig, alongside Noah Baumbach, co-wrote the recently released and globally hailed "Barbie" film that mixes candy comedy with feminist commentary.

Another feminist masterpiece that Gerwig adapted and directed was the acclaimed "Little Women." Read these 54 "Little Women" quotes to discover which March sister you are and dig deeper into this worldwide acclaimed director's work.