38 'House' Quotes Funny Enough to Fill Your Daily Quota of Sarcastic Humor

While Dr. Gregory House can be harsh, rude, and sarcastically silver-tongued, his crass interactions are undeniably funny. Read 38 hilarious quotes by this disillusioned doctor.

"House" is aptly named after its main character and misanthropic ‎medical professional, the suavante Dr. Gregory House. House works at the Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital in New Jersey.

With a smooth-running team of doctors combined with no regard for others' feelings and a Vicodin addiction to top it all off, he successfully leads the diagnostic department.

Get to know this abrupt yet funny doctor by reading 38 of his quotes below.

Dr. Gregory House’s quote: “If nobody hates you, you're doing something wrong.” | Source: AmoDays

Dr. Gregory House Funniest Quotes

“Nobel invented dynamite, I won't accept his blood money.” ― Dr. Gregory House

"What's the opposite of 'thank you'? I'm pretty sure it ends in 'you.'" ― Dr. Gregory House

“Lies are like children: they're hard work, but it's worth it because the future depends on them.” ― Dr. Gregory House

“There's no 'I' in team. There's a 'me' though, if you jumble it up.” ― Dr. Gregory House

“If you could reason with religious people, there would be no religious people.” ― Dr. Gregory House

Dr. Gregory House’s quote: “We were both wrong, not equally wrong. You were at least six more wronger than me.” | Source: AmoDays

“Dr. James Wilson: Hey, you have to treat this like a regular case. Be yourself: cold, uncaring, distant.

Dr. Gregory House: Please, don't put me on a pedestal.” ― "House"

"Well, as the philosopher Jagger once said, 'You can't always get what you want.'" ― Dr. Gregory House

“Oxygen is so important during those prepubescent years, don't you think?” ― Dr. Gregory House

Dr. Gregory House’s quote: “If you could reason with religious people, there would be no religious people.” | Source: AmoDays

“Do I get bonus points if I act like I care?” ― Dr. Gregory House

“Jobs are not being destroyed they are being relocated. The fact that you see that as inherently bad means that you are an irrational patriot. To put it another way: a patriot.” ― Dr. Gregory House

“We were both wrong, not equally wrong. You were at least six more wronger than me.” ― Dr. Gregory House

“You want to know how two chemicals interact, do you ask them? No, they're going to lie through their lying little teeth. Throw them in a beaker and apply heat.” ― Dr. Gregory House

"I cared for eight seconds, then I got distracted." ― Dr. Gregory House

Dr. Gregory House’s quote: “Do I get bonus points if I act like I care?” | Source: AmoDays

"House: He did, however, just get hit by a bullet. Just mentioning.

Cameron: He was shot?

House: No, somebody threw it at him." ― "House"

“I'm a very high-strung little lapdog. Ruff ruff ruff, rarr, ruff!”― Dr. Gregory House

Dr. Gregory House Famous Quotes from Sarcastic Moments

“I am not warm and fuzzy and you are basically a stuffed animal made by grandma.” ― Dr. Gregory House

“Dr. James Wilson: That smugness of yours really is an attractive quality.

Dr. Gregory House: Thank you. It was either that or get my hair highlighted. Smugness is easier to maintain.” ― "House"

Dr. Gregory House’s quote: "I'm gonna pretend to go to work now." | Source: AmoDays

“Is a lie a lie if everybody knows it's a lie?” ― Dr. Gregory House

“I guess my biggest problem is I've been cursed with the ability to do the math.” ― Dr. Gregory House

"I'm gonna pretend to go to work now." ― Dr. Gregory House

“If you wanted fair, you chose the wrong job, the wrong profession, the wrong species.” ― Dr. Gregory House

Dr. Gregory House’s quote: “I am not warm and fuzzy and you are basically a stuffed animal made by grandma." | Source: AmoDays

“If nobody hates you, you're doing something wrong.” ― Dr. Gregory House

Dr. Gregory House’s quote: “I guess my biggest problem is I've been cursed with the ability to do the math.” | Source: AmoDays

“How come God gets credit whenever something good happens? Where was he when her heart stopped?” ― Dr. Gregory House

"There is not a thin line between love and hate. There is, in fact, a Great Wall of China with armed sentries posted every 20 feet between love and hate." ― Dr. Gregory House

“Dr. Allison Cameron: Men should grow up.

Dr. Gregory House: Yeah, and dogs should stop licking themselves. It's not gonna happen.” ― "House"

More Dr. Gregory House Quotes Filled with His Diabolic Humor

“Perseverance does not equal worthiness.” ― Dr. Gregory House

“Dr. Robert Chase: The hematoma caused the coma.

Dr. Gregory House: That's a catchy diagnosis. You could dance to that.” ― "House"

“Dr. Eric Foreman: He probably just moved. Nobody stays perfectly still for their entire MRI.

Dr. Gregory House: Yeah, probably got restless and shifted one hemisphere of his brain to a more comfortable position.” ― "House"

“Patient: Times changes everything.

“You took a chance; you did something great. You were wrong, but it was still great. You should feel great that it was great. You should feel like crap that it was wrong.” ― Dr. Gregory House

Dr. Gregory House’s quote: “Perseverance does not equal worthiness." | Source: AmoDays

“You know what's worse than useless? Useless and oblivious.” ― Dr. Gregory House

“Figuring out who people are takes time. And it takes twice as much time if they're trying to impress you.” ― Dr. Gregory House

“It's normal to be screwed up, but it's really screwed up to romanticize it.” ― Dr. Gregory House

“If you can fake sincerity, you can fake pretty much anything.” ― Dr. Gregory House

“It is in the nature of medicine that you are gonna screw up...If you can't handle that reality, pick another profession or finish medical school and teach.” ― Dr. Gregory House

Dr. Gregory House’s quote: “It's normal to be screwed up, but it's really screwed up to romanticize it.” | Source: AmoDays

Hugh Laurie plays Dr. House in the series, with some other roles taken on by Olivia Wilde, Omar Epps, Jennifer Morrison, Robert Sean Leonard, and Peter Jacobson.

This nihilistic medical professional's dark outlook on life and sharp-tongued humor can only be matched by Tony Johnson in the series "Afterlife." Continue on your disenchanted tour by reading: 41 'Afterlife' Quotes: Grief, Dark Humor, and the Muddy Path toward Healing.