60 Bad Janet Quotes and Simple Janet Sayings to Remember 'The Good Place'

Despite not being in human form, Janet is one of the leading characters in the fantasy comedy series "The Good Place." She is portrayed in multiple iterations, one of which is Bad Janet.

Bad Janet covers the evil places of the afterlife neighborhood. It was designed by demons to interact with residents in an inappropriate and impolite manner. As the show went on, she developed a more human-like disposition, leading her to act differently from her original design.

Other versions of Janet include the fun "Disco Janet" and impartial "Neutral Janet." However, Bad Janet presents some worthwhile quotes that deserve some exploration.

Janet's quote: "Where does this hope come from, man? This insane hope that people are worth the trouble?" | Source: facebook.com/NBCTheGoodPlace

Bad Janet Quotes from Her Worst Incarnation

"The whole system is royally effed. Humans suck... but this isn't their fault." – Janet, "The Good Place"

"Michael: So, obviously, this was a troubling development.

Bad Janet: [groans] Can you just skip to the end?

Michael: No. I need to tell you the whole story.

Bad Janet: Why? Every story about humans ends the same way. Just tell me how they screwed up and put me out of my misery." – Janet, "The Good Place"

“What up, idi*t? This is the 8:22 express to Bad Place Headquarters. We'd like to begin the boarding process with our first-class fat dinks.” – Janet, "The Good Place"

"Janet: Ugh. I am so proud of you.

Bad Janet: I don't care.

Janet: I think you do a little bit. [exclaims] Sister hug.

Bad Janet: Okay, get off me. Ew, ew, ew, ew." – Janet, "The Good Place"

"Where does this hope come from, man? This insane hope that people are worth the trouble?" – Janet, "The Good Place"

Janet's quote: “All right, here comes the boom!" | Source: facebook.com/NBCTheGoodPlace

"Judge: Hey, listen up. I made an official ruling, and I am not going to see it undone by two Janets playing keep-away.

Bad Janet: Oh, I should've explained. It's not two of us. It's all of us.

Good Janet #2: Hi!

Bad Janet #2: What up, nerds?

Good Janet #3: Hello.

Bad Janet #3: …losers.

Neutral Janet: I am here for a certain reason and no other reasons.

Bad Janet #4: What up...?

Good Janet #4: Hi!

Good Janet #5: Hello. What it is? What it is?

Bad Janet #5: What up, d*rks?

Bad Janet: Sent the manifesto around to all the other Janets. We have a group text now.

Good Janet #2: I mostly send GIFs of otters." – Janet, "The Good Place"

"Michael: Sorry about this, Bad Janet.

Bad Janet: Sorry about what, you fat dink? [Michael turns Bad Janet into a marble]" – Janet, "The Good Place"

"Bad Janet: All right, here comes the boom! Oh wait, actually, before I absolutely let it rip, I just have one more thing I have to do.

Shawn: What?

[Janet grabs Shawn by the neck and throws him against the wall]

Janet: It's me, Good Janet.

Michael: Janet. I thought you were a marble.

Janet: That was a trick. I realized if we wanted our friends to have any chance of survival, I had to learn how to do a lot of bad things really quickly. So, I did. Now I'm ready to go back to being nice again.

Shawn: What happened? [Janet kicks him up against the wall]

Janet: Okay, now I'll be nice again." – Janet, "The Good Place"

"Judge: Okay, mama. See you in the next life.

Bad Janet: Before you marbleize me, can I just make one final statement to summarize how I really feel?

Judge: I think I know where this is going. [Bad Janet farts and cries]

[The Judge marbleizes Bad Janet]

Judge: Okay, Disco Janet, you're up.

Disco Janet: Out of sight." – Janet, "The Good Place"

Bad Janet Quotes Full of Malfunctions

"I am wrong. I can't stop glitching. I don't know why. And it's getting worse. I fear this neighborhood is in danger of total collapse. So that's the main thing. How are you?" – Janet, "The Good Place"

Janet's quote: “Hi, guys! I’m broken.”| Source: facebook.com/NBCTheGoodPlace

“Eleanor told me that instead of being sad, I should ‘go get it, girl.’ So I’m going to go get it, girl.” – Janet, "The Good Place"

"Judge: Now, come with me.

Janet: Hey, my powers are back online. [a chair appears] This must be everything I tried to summon on Earth. [a plate of spaghetti and a turtle appear]

Judge: Stop it!

Janet: I don't think I can. I'm like a printer when the print queue suddenly starts processing all the unprinted documents... Oh, man! Buckle up, folks. [a huge pile of stuff appears between Janet and Michael, and the Judge]" – Janet, "The Good Place"

‘Hi, guys! I’m broken.’ – Janet, "The Good Place"

"Janet: [montage] Michael, Michael, if I'm gone, who will take care of my birds?

Janet: Michael, no, no, no, no, no! I... I'm pregnant. And it's your baby.

Janet: I have tickets to Hamilton next week, and there's a rumor that Daveed Diggs is coming back.

Michael: Janet, we've been through this hundreds of times. I mean, can you just chill out? Is that possible, Janet? Can you just chill out a little?

Janet: Nope, it's gonna be the same every time.

Michael: Yeah, yeah, I know.

Janet: No, no, no! No, Michael!" – Janet, "The Good Place"

"Tahani: Janet, what's happening?

Janet: Unclear. My guess is I'm operating in a way I'm not designed for, and it's creating a small glitch. But if I'm helping you guys, I say... "What has one thumb and wants to keep going?" This not-lady. Eh? Eh?" – Janet, "The Good Place"

Janet's quote: "Again, I am not human. I can't die. I am simply an anthropomorphized vessel of knowledge built to make your life easier" | Source: facebook.com/NBCTheGoodPlace

"Tahani: Hello, Janet. Jianyu and I are here for the couples package, please.

Chidi: [clears throat] And also I will be joining them.

Janet: Great, and who is the other half of your couple?

Chidi: Oh, no, no, it's just me.

Janet: Couples are pairs of people.

Chidi: Yup, and, uh, there is a pair of people, Tahani and Jianyu. And then also I am here.

Janet: Great, and who will be joining you?

Chidi: No one. Um, it's really quite simple, Janet. They are a couple, and I am a third part of that couple. Uh, a helper part who is here for fun and excitement. It's a three-person couple.

Janet: [in robotic voice] Does not compute. Does not compute. [normal voice] I'm just kidding. [laughs] I mean, it doesn't compute, but I'm not gonna explode or anything." – Janet, "The Good Place"

Janet Quotes of Her Various Embodiments from a Good Place

“It turns out the best Janet was the Janet that was inside Janet all along.’ – Janet, "The Good Place"

"Again, I am not human. I can't die. I am simply an anthropomorphized vessel of knowledge built to make your life easier" – Janet, "The Good Place"

"Fun fact: Janet is me." – Janet, "The Good Place"

‘In case you were wondering, I am, by definition, the best version of myself.’ – Janet, "The Good Place"

Janet's quote: "Well, I can't feel sad, but here's my best approximation of human crying. [fake bawling]" | Source: facebook.com/NBCTheGoodPlace

"Janet: [appears] Hi, Jason. I love you.

Jason: Oh, word?

Janet: Word. I've been avoiding telling you. My excuse was that I needed time to evaluate my complex feelings, but that was just a rationalization. This might be the last time I ever get to talk to you, so there it is... I love you. And I hereby stop avoiding this topic and rationalizing by saying the situation is complicated.

Chidi: Or that my brain is grinding like a fork in a garbage disposal.

Janet: All right. Whatever. You're not really a part of this, Chidi.

Jason: Hey, guess what. I think I love you too, girl.

Janet: I'm not a girl. I'm also not just a Janet anymore. I don't know what I am." – Janet, "The Good Place"

"Well, I can't feel sad, but here's my best approximation of human crying. [fake bawling]" – Janet, "The Good Place"

"Michael: "Incompatible with objective truth." Janet, the problem isn't me lying to you, but rather you lying to other people. Like when you said to Jason, "I'd be happy to help you and Tahani." That was a lie.

Janet: No, it wasn't. I'm always happy to help people. That's my main purpose.

Michael: I know, I know. But it was still a lie, even though you didn't intend it to be, because you weren't actually happy to help them. Because you're in love with Jason.

Janet: Say what now?" – Janet, "The Good Place"

"Jason: Hey, Janet. Uh, so, do you remember how you killed us and brought us into your void?

Janet: I do, yes.

Jason: When we were in there, I was wandering around, because you have the ability to make anything, and I wanted to see where you keep the roller blades. And I accidentally saw that video thing about how you love me.

Janet: You saw that? That's so embarrassing.

Jason: I mean, it kind of freaked me out at first. But, hey, let's talk about it.

Janet: I don't want to talk about this. You guys were in my void, and it was exhausting, and I almost blew up, and I have to be neutral, and Neutral Janets don't have feelings...

Gwendolyn: How's it going in here?

Janet: It is going neutrally. End of conversation.

Jason: Can... Can we...

Janet: End of conversation."– Janet, "The Good Place"

"Janet: So, what you're saying is, there are certain aspects of your existence here in the Good Place that are confusing for you, and you're searching for someplace to go where you feel less lonely. I know somewhere you could go. [Jason hugs Janet] Why did you do that?

Jason: Because you were nice to me. You're my friend.

Janet: Okay! [hugs Jason]

Jason: Okay! [hugs her back]" – Janet, "The Good Place"

Janet's quote: “If you rent a car, don’t pay for the insurance. It’s a scam.” | Source: facebook.com/NBCTheGoodPlace

" You don't know what you're talking about. Also, love isn't a triangle. It's a five dimensional blob, so..." – Janet, "The Good Place"

"Tahani: Have you seen Eleanor and Chidi? There's something very wrong with this party, and it's not just that the caviar is being served on top of Jell-O shots. We are the first new people here in 500 years, and no one seems to care.

Janet: I know, even the Good Janets are kind of weird. They're like, "Hi, there!" When I do it, it's cool, but when they do it, it's lame." – Janet, "The Good Place"

“If you rent a car, don’t pay for the insurance. It’s a scam.” – Janet, "The Good Place"

"Janet: I have an idea. I think I can take you into my void.

Chidi: Cool. That sounds fun. Let's go into a void.

Michael: Okay, let's go.

Janet: But, just to be clear... I don't know if you'll survive in my void, but either way, all of you will definitely die on Earth when I do this, so look around and say goodbye." – Janet, "The Good Place"

"Eleanor: Ugh, you want a robot killed right, you have to do it yourself.

Janet: Eleanor? Eleanor, no, no, no. Please, wait, wait, wait, wait. Eleanor, I have kids. I have three beautiful children... Tyler, Emma, and little, tiny baby Phillip. Look at Tyler. Tyler has asthma, but he is battling it like a champ. Look at him. No, Eleanor, look at them. [growling] Look at them! Look at them!

Eleanor: [yelps] It's so realistic!

Janet: Eleanor, again, I'm not human. This is a stock photo of the crowd at the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards." – Janet, "The Good Place"

Janet's quote: "Michael, face facts. Doug is not the blueprint of how to live a good life. He's become a happiness pump." | Source: facebook.com/NBCTheGoodPlace

“I think I might hate things now, too. So far, it’s genocide and leggings as pants.” – Janet, "The Good Place"

"Jason: What time is it?

Janet: I don't know.

Jason: Really?

Janet: Yeah. At one point, hundreds of Bearimies ago, I turned off my ability to know what time it is anywhere in the universe when you and I are together. I like not knowing. It's 10:42 a.m. Sorry. Saying out loud that I didn't know something made me feel weird.

Jason: Man, I feel weird when I do know something. You and I are very different." – Janet, "The Good Place"

"Michael, face facts. Doug is not the blueprint of how to live a good life. He's become a happiness pump." – Janet, "The Good Place"

"Janet: No, no, no, no, Michael, please, please, please! Please don't kill me. I have so much to live for.

Michael: I'm sorry, Janet, got to reboot you every time I start over.

Janet: Oh, I know. I'm not actually upset. It's just the automatic fail-safe mechanism that kicks in every time you approach the plunger. Go ahead. Michael, you monster!" – Janet, "The Good Place"

Janet's quote: "It's a criticism of utilitarianism. A happiness pump is someone who is obsessed with maximizing the overall good at his or her expense." | Source: facebook.com/NBCTheGoodPlace

"Jason, it's okay. I'm never gonna forget you. In fact, to me, you won't even really be gone. I don't experience time the same way you do. I kind of live all times at once." – Janet, "The Good Place"

“Jason is a person who was near me…and then he asked me to marry him. And there is nothing in my protocol that specifically barred that from happening.” – Janet, "The Good Place"

"It's a criticism of utilitarianism. A happiness pump is someone who is obsessed with maximizing the overall good at his or her expense. " – Janet, "The Good Place"

"Janet: To me, remembering moments with you is the same as living in them.

Jason: Can you just remember the happy times and forget the bad stuff?

Janet: There was no bad stuff. It was all good. [they kiss]" – Janet, "The Good Place"

"Jason: Can I go to your house?

Janet: I don't have a house, Jason. I live in a boundless void.

Jason: Can I go there?

Janet: No. It's a boundless void.

Jason: Okay." – Janet, "The Good Place"

Janet's quote: "Well, it makes me slightly uneasy to Interfere in the personal life of the man that I am secretly in love with and a woman I admire.” | Source: facebook.com/NBCTheGoodPlace

‘If there were an answer I could give you to how the universe works, it wouldn’t be special. It would just be machinery fulfilling its cosmic design. It would just be a big, dumb food processor. But since nothing seems to make sense, when you find something or someone that does, it’s euphoria.’ – Janet, "The Good Place"

"Eleanor: Always. [chuckles] Okay, top three moments of your not-life with us. Go.

Janet: You telling us that we should try to help other people on Earth. The moment that we all got into the Good Place for real. And then it's an 8-million-way tie of every time Jason and I kissed. He was a really good kisser.

Eleanor: I bet he was." – Janet, "The Good Place"

"Well, it makes me slightly uneasy to Interfere in the personal life of the man that I am secretly in love with and a woman I admire but if you think we should, I-I'm not gonna argue." – Janet, "The Good Place"

"Janet: [gasps] I can make the people. Just like I made Derek.

Michael: Are you sure?

Janet: Yes. If the Judge restores my powers in the Medium Place, I can do it. They'll be way more advanced than the original " – Janet, The Good Place

Janet: Not good, Michael. I don't have my powers. I can't summon things. Dictionary. Spaghetti. Jet-ski. Giraffe. Gah! Look what I've been reduced to! Humans only live 80 years and they spend so much of it just waiting for things to be over.

Michael: I'm all out of sorts down here, too. I'm bad at lying now. That used to be my thing! And every part of my body is either too dry or too wet.

Janet: It's worse for me, man! Ever since we walked through that portal, my knowledge has stopped updating. The instant before we left, a man in Caracas, Venezuela, named Raul Benitez was eating a ham sandwich. Did he finish it? I don't know and it's making me crazy! I gotta find him." – Janet, "The Good Place"

"Oh, I don't have a mom, so I've been experimenting with thinking of The Judge as my mom. It's weird, forget it." – Janet, "The Good Place"

Janet's quote: "Hello. Also, not hello. It's nothing to meet you. End of statement." | Source: facebook.com/NBCTheGoodPlace

"Eleanor: So crazy that we're at the end of this thing and we have no idea how we did. Janet, any chance you could get a look inside that obelisk? Check that magic scoreboard?

Janet: There is a chance, yes. About 1 in 970 trillion. Let's give her a whirl.

[Janet briefly disappears and returns with her hair ruffled and smoking]

Janet: It did not work. I'll be right back." – Janet, "The Good Place"

"Janet: I can't be in a relationship with you right now. Being with you is fun, but it's not always easy and I'm afraid it would endanger the experiment.

Jason: It won't though.

Janet: Jason, it already has." – Janet, "The Good Place"

"Hello. Also, not hello. It's nothing to meet you. End of statement." – Janet, "The Good Place"

"Oh, hi, you little cuties. I love you guys so much, except for you, Jason, because I hate you. I hate you." – Janet, "The Good Place"

"Your name is Montgomery Wycoff. Your ex-wife Samantha still loves you but she's afraid to call. You must show her your poetry. Go to her. Go to her!"

"I wish I could stay and help, but this system is so complex that if I lose concentration for even one billionth of a second, the entire neighborhood could collapse in on itself like a dying star..." – Janet, "The Good Place"

Janet's quote: “I will go physically pick those up, I guess, and then walk them back here with my feet.” | Source: facebook.com/NBCTheGoodPlace

“I hate to see you walk through the final door at the edge of existence… but I love to watch you leave.” – Janet, "The Good Place"

"This is not just about Chidi. I've left too much to chance. Until our group is back together again, this whole thing is hanging by a thread. I'm going back down." – Janet, "The Good Place"

‘I will go physically pick those up, I guess, and then walk them back here with my feet.’ – Janet, "The Good Place"

"Tahani: So Janet isn't with you.

Michael: No. There has to be a Janet in every neighborhood, good and bad. This one is an actual Good Place Janet that I stole to help sell the ruse.

Janet: I guess it didn't work, though. Because you keep failing.

Michael: Yes, thank you.

Janet: You're welcome. [disappears]" – Janet, "The Good Place"

Janet's quote: “I’ll get everything, just to be safe.” | Source: facebook.com/NBCTheGoodPlace

"It's nice to be here. And it's not nice to not be there." – Janet, "The Good Place"

"I added all the data we've gathered here on Earth, in chart and graph form. And I added a pretty tasty little recipe for cinnamon rolls made out of pizza dough. [chuckles]" – Janet, "The Good Place"

“I’ll get everything, just to be safe.” – Janet, "The Good Place"

"There's no way to track people's actual point totals only the Accountants have that information, but... I did install cameras and microphones, so at least we can keep our eye on them. Let's get peepin'! Oh, no. Not a great start..." – Janet, "The Good Place"

"Oh, well if you guys are celebrating, I recommend the jalapeno poppers. Hi, there, I'm Janet. I'll be taking care of you tonight." – Janet, "The Good Place"

Janet's quote: “I think I might hate things now, too. So far, it’s genocide and leggings as pants.” | Source: facebook.com/NBCTheGoodPlace

These quotes show that Janet has both a bad and a good side, despite being practically a robot. This is also seen in her character development throughout the series.

"The Good Place" stars D'Arcy Carden and Kristen Bell. Fans of fantasy supernatural dramas can also check out these 32 Davy Jones quotes from "Pirates of the Caribbean."