50 Best Ron Swanson Quotes on Food, the Outdoors, and His Colleagues

Nick Offerman's Ron Swanson was the grumpy libertarian foil to Amy Poehler's enthusiastic government worker Leslie Knope in "Parks and Recreation." Here are 50 quotes that show why his character remains one of the most beloved TV characters this side of the millennium.

The writers of "Parks and Rec" created the deadpan part of Ron Swanson grounded in a few similarities with Offerman, like being an outdoorsman and being a woodworking enthusiast.

From underneath his thick mustache, Swanson, the director of the parks and recreation department of Pawnee, Indiana, calmly shares wisdom and hilarious one-liners on his favorite topics—breakfast food, and how useless government is.

What makes Swanson so compelling is how his conservative ways of living and 'manly’ pursuits are juxtaposed with his support of women and a soft side for those he loves.

Ron Swanson’s quote: "If there were more food and fewer people, this would be a perfect party." | Image: Facebook.com/parksandrecreation

Ron Swanson Quotes on Food and Liquor

"There's only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that's lying about being milk." ― Ron Swanson

"Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream, or be nothing." ― Ron Swanson

"When I eat, it is the food that is scared." ― Ron Swanson

"Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait … I worry; what you heard was, 'Give me a lot of bacon and eggs.' What I said was, give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Do you understand?" ― Ron Swanson

"If there were more food and fewer people, this would be a perfect party." ― Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson’s quote: "You had me at 'Meat Tornado.'" | Image: Facebook.com/parksandrecreation

"I'm a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food." ― Ron Swanson

"I call this turf 'n turf. It's a 16-ounce T-bone and a 24-ounce porterhouse. Also, whiskey and a cigar. I am going to consume all of this at the same time because I am a free American." ― Ron Swanson

"Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets." ― Ron Swanson

"You had me at 'Meat Tornado.'"― Ron Swanson

"You've accidentally given me the food that my food eats." ― Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson’s quote: "Strippers do nothing for me… but I will take a free breakfast buffet anytime, anyplace." | Image: Facebook.com/parksandrecreation

"Put some alcohol in your mouth to block the words from coming out." ― Ron Swanson

"An ideal night out, to me, is stepping onto my porch area and grilling up a thick slab of something's flesh and then popping in a highlight reel from the WNBA." ― Ron Swanson

"There has never been a sadness that can't be cured by breakfast food." ― Ron Swanson

"Strippers do nothing for me… but I will take a free breakfast buffet anytime, anyplace." ― Ron Swanson

"Since I am not a rabbit, no, I do not." ― Ron Swanson on if he wants a salad

Ron Swanson’s quote: "If it doesn't have meat, it's a snack." | Image: Facebook.com/parksandrecreation

"I can't think of anything more noble to go to war over than bacon and eggs." ― Ron Swanson

"If it doesn't have meat, it's a snack." ― Ron Swanson

"Listen, I've eaten a commissary hamburger for lunch every day for twelve years. I just wanted to make sure this pointless health crusade won't affect the only part of my job that I like." ― Ron Swanson

"Veganism is the sad result of a morally corrupt mind. Reconsider your life." ― Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson on the Great Outdoors

"Fishing relaxes me. It's like yoga, except I still get to kill something." ― Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson’s quote: "Fishing is for sport only. Fish meat is practically a vegetable." | Image: Facebook.com/parksandrecreation

"It's pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they can go outside and stand in it." ― Ron Swanson

"Fishing is for sport only. Fish meat is practically a vegetable." ― Ron Swanson

"That is a canvas sheet—the most versatile object known to man. It can be used to make tents, backpacks, shoes, stretchers, sails, tarpaulins, and I suppose, in the most dire of circumstances, it can be a surface on which to make art." ― Ron Swanson

"There's more than one crib tree in a forest. That's not a lesson, by the way, just a comment on lumber availability." ― Ron Swanson

"Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Don't teach a man to fish…and feed yourself. He's a grown man. And fishing's not that hard." ― Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson’s quote: "I like some changes. Like when I change a tree into a canoe, or a wife into an ex-wife." | Image: Facebook.com/parksandrecreation

"I have never lied about anything in my life. Though, I suppose you could construe camouflage as a lie." ― Ron Swanson

"In my opinion, not enough people have looked their dinner in the eyes and considered the circle of life." ― Ron Swanson

"I like some changes. Like when I change a tree into a canoe, or a wife into an ex-wife." ― Ron Swanson

"Gentlemen, wilderness weekend is upon us. There will be no video games; there will be no internet pads. This weekend you have two parents, me and mother nature." ― Ron Swanson

"Turkey can never beat cow." ― Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson’s quote: "I'd wish you the best of luck, but I believe luck is a concept created by the weak to explain their failures." | Image: Facebook.com/parksandrecreation

Ron Swanson on Working in Government, His Colleagues, and People in General

"I've cried twice in my life. Once when I was seven, and hit by a school bus. And then again when I heard that Li’l Sebastian had passed." ― Ron Swanson

"The less I know about other people's affairs, the happier I am. I'm not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes." ― Ron Swanson

"Don't start chasing applause and acclaim. That way lies madness." ― Ron Swanson

"When people get too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don't really care about them." ― Ron Swanson

"I'd wish you the best of luck, but I believe luck is a concept created by the weak to explain their failures." ― Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson’s quote: "Great job, everyone. The reception will be held in each of our individual houses, alone." | Image: Facebook.com/parksandrecreation

"Normally, if given the choice between doing something and nothing, I'd choose to do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do nothing. I'd work all night if it meant nothing got done." ― Ron Swanson

"When I walked in this morning and saw that the flag was half-mast, I thought, 'All right, another bureaucrat ate it!'" ― Ron Swanson

"I like Tom. He doesn't do a lot of work around here. He shows zero initiative. He's not a team player. He's never wanted to go that extra mile. Tom is exactly what I'm looking for in a government employee." ― Ron Swanson

"Great job, everyone. The reception will be held in each of our individual houses, alone." ― Ron Swanson

"Give 100 percent. One-hundred-and-ten percent is impossible. Only idiots recommend that." ― Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson’s quote: "Friends: one to three is sufficient." | Image: Facebook.com/parksandrecreation

"The crib I built, I'm giving to you and Ann. It's perfectly safe. I tested it by hitting it with my truck. " ― Ron Swanson to Chris Traeger.

"Friends: one to three is sufficient." ― Ron Swanson

"I love being a father but there are a few things I miss: Silence. The absence of noise. One single moment undisturbed by the sounds of a children's program called Doc McStuffins." ― Ron Swanson

"It's always a good idea to demonstrate to your coworkers that you are capable of withstanding a tremendous amount of pain." ― Ron Swanson

"Metaphors? I hate metaphors. That's why my favorite book is Moby Dick. No frufu symbolism, just a good simple tale about a man who hates an animal." ― Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson’s quote: "Live your life how you want, but don't confuse drama with happiness." | Image: Facebook.com/parksandrecreation

"Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing." ― Ron Swanson

Ben Wyatt: "You know, you are a wonderful guy, and I admire many things about you, but you are a terrible person to discuss personal problems with."

Ron: " Thank you, friend, that really means a lot to me." ― Ben Wyatt and Ron Swanson

"Live your life how you want, but don't confuse drama with happiness." ― Ron Swanson

"I've said it before, and I'll say it again, children are terrible artists. And artists are crooks." ― Ron Swanson

"We will get along just fine, though hopefully not too fine because I am not looking for any new friends. End speech." ― Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson’s quote: "Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing." | Image: Facebook.com/parksandrecreation

Nick Offerman has proven those wrong that have told him that he would never be anything more than Ron Swanson with scene steal turns in "The Last of Us" and "Party Down." As a reminder to fans of the show, Offerman performs "I'm Not Ron Swanson" at his live shows.

Chris Pratt is another breakout star from "Parks and Recreation" as Andy Dwyer. Read 31 quotes from the show's loveable goofball.