37 Malcolm in the Middle Quotes from One of the Greatest Sitcom Series

"Malcolm in the Middle" was a comedy sitcom featuring a suburban family going through hilarious challenges. In the following article, you expect to be shocked, thrilled, and tickled by 37 quotes spoken throughout the fan-favorite series.

On January 9, 2000, "Malcolm in the Middle" debuted before running for six years, with seven seasons and 151 episodes until its conclusion on May 14, 2006. The working-class family featured Frankie Muniz in the lead role of the intelligent and gifted Malcolm.

Jane Kaczmarek appeared as his mother, Lois, and Bryan Cranston was his father, Hal. Christopher Kennedy Masterson played his eldest brother Francis, and Justin Berfield was his other brother, Reese, while Erik Per Sullivan portrayed their younger brother Dewey; Jamie, the fifth son, was introduced at the end of season 4.

One thing that made the show a hit was the characters' witty remarks and depressing comebacks. Read on to see 37 "Malcolm in the Middle" quotes that will have you laughing, in awe, and going down memory lane!

"Malcolm in the Middle" characters with Malcolm's quote: “Nothing like two days in the hospital to make you appreciate your own home.” | Source: YouTube.com/Channel4

Funny Quotes from Malcolm

"You want to know the best part about childhood? At some point, it stops." — Malcolm

"Nothing like two days in the hospital to make you appreciate your own home." — Malcolm

"I tried to make invisible ink, but I think I made chlorine gas." — Young Malcolm

"Malcolm: Someone stole my friend's wheelchair.

Security Guard: What's it look like?

Malcolm: It's a chair... with wheels." — "Malcolm in the Middle"

"Now my brain is filled with mom guilt." — Malcolm

A "Malcolm in the Middle" character with Malcolm's quote: "Now my brain is filled with mom guilt." | Source: YouTube.com/Channel4

"Sleeping is the only thing that makes my life worthwhile. I can dream I'm somewhere decent." — Malcolm

"Mom, I can't wear Reese's hand-me-downs. Look at this, Jell-o in the pockets, the fly's broken, and it smells like wet dog." — Malcolm

"We have asbestos in our ceiling! Yay!" — Malcolm

"[To the camera while in a tent in the yard] Francis and Piama came to visit at the same time Grandma is here. Eight people, seven sleeping places - guess who gets the shaft? This is my reward for being at the library when they asked for a volunteer." — Malcolm

Hilarious "Malcolm in the Middle" Quotes from Hal

"This time, he used the exact same brand pen as the teacher to change his grade." — Hal

A "Malcolm in the Middle" character with Hal's quote: “A cannibal utopia. Interesting.” | Source: YouTube.com/Channel4

"Lois: Hal, this isn't funny. That behavior isn't acceptable.

Hal: You're right. Boys, the next time you drive a golf cart over a catered lunch and into a swimming pool, there will be consequences." — "Malcolm in the Middle"

"If you try anything, anything, at all, I will be on you like a rainbow on an oil slick." — Hal

"Otto: How far do you think we've gone?

Hal: Well, judging by that rock formation over there, about twelve feet." — "Malcolm in the Middle"

"A cannibal utopia. Interesting." — Hal

"Boys, let me tell you something, the only way I've managed to get through my... life with any shred of self-worth is by living in denial! If I was gonna let myself get beaten by failure, I would've quit after one kid!" — Hal

"Malcolm in the Middle" characters with Lois's quote: "Hal, this isn't funny. That behavior isn't acceptable.” | Source: YouTube.com/Channel4

"Look at that sky, Malcolm. Just think. Somewhere out there, all those stars and planets, there might be at this very moment a space dad who just got kicked out of his space trailer, who's looking down on us. Or would it be up at us? Or maybe sideways?" — Hal

Memorable "Malcolm in the Middle" Quotes from Reese, Lois, and Other Characters

"Malcolm: I don't believe it. You've turned into mom.

Francis: Yeah? Well, sometimes mom's right.

Reese: You take that back." — "Malcolm in the Middle"

"It'll look longer when it's combed out, right?" — Reese

"If you don't drive me, I'll leave home forever… or I'll never leave: Whatever's worse!" — Reese

"Lois: That's right. She has two daddies.

Reese: Two guys as your parents? That house has to be a dude's paradise." — "Malcolm in the Middle"

A "Malcolm in the Middle" character with Hal's quote: “This time, he used the exact same brand pen as the teacher to change his grade.” | Source: YouTube.com/Channel4

"I am not canceling Christmas; I'm just holding it hostage." — Lois

"Every day is a lottery, and the first prize is that you don't have to scoot yourself around town on a skateboard with your hands." — Lois

"Fate is just what you call it when you don't know the name of the person screwing you over." — Lois

"Dewey: Mom, can I have a story?

Lois: Once upon a time, there was a little boy that made his mom so crazy she decided to sell him to a circus." — "Malcolm in the Middle"

"Lois: Malcolm, what is all that stuff from your teacher? That woman sends home two or three fliers every day.

Malcolm: She says she wants the parents to be involved as possible with the children.

Lois: At school? It's the only break I get!" — "Malcolm in the Middle"

A "Malcolm in the Middle" character with Reese's quote: “It'll look longer when it's combed out, right?” | Source: YouTube.com/Channel4

"Hal: Keys. Where the hell are the keys?

Reese: [Locked in a bass violin case] I've got them, now let's go." — "Malcolm in the Middle"

"Reese: I've been kind of zoning in and out here, but did she just say milk comes out of those things?

Malcolm: Reese, that's what they're for.

Reese: My God. Women are the cows of people." — "Malcolm in the Middle"

"Malcolm: Reese, give me your pocket knife.

Reese: Ok, but if you miss her, you'll only make her madder. [talking about Lois]." — "Malcolm in the Middle"

"I know I haven't been everywhere, but I'm pretty sure this is the most boring place on Earth." — Reese

"Reese: I'd say half of all our Legos have been through this kid.

Dewey: Probably more." — "Malcolm in the Middle"

A "Malcolm in the Middle" character with Lois's quote: "I am not canceling Christmas, I'm just holding it hostage." | Source: YouTube.com/Channel4

"Is Malcolm a robot?" — Dewey

"Dewey: [To Grandma Ida] We'll miss you.

Grandma Ida: Even the little one lies!" — "Malcolm in the Middle"

"Dewey: I kind of feel like I'm floating.

Gretchen: Vell, cat's probably ze ammonia." — "Malcolm in the Middle"

"Francis: [Having lit a huge firecracker] Did it say when our vision would come back?

Reese: Box said two days.

Francis: Totally worth it." — "Malcolm in the Middle"

A "Malcolm in the Middle" character with Dewey's quote: “Is Malcolm a robot?” | Source: YouTube.com/Channel4

"Without me to blame everything on, they don't know what to do with themselves." — Francis

"Francis: There has to be some way to get rid of her.

Piama: All we know is she doesn't burn." — "Malcolm in the Middle"

"Malcolm in the Middle" characters with Francis's quote: “Without me to blame everything on, they don't know what to do with themselves.” | Source: YouTube.com/Channel4

The out-of-this-world humor shared by the "Malcolm in the Middle" cast is evident from the above quotes that show the range of the series and what made it famous. For instance, how hilarious was it when Kaczmarek's Lois refused to give a police officer a 100% discount in her store, only to be stopped by him later?

During that interaction, Lois was riding with two of her sons, who were in the back. The parent told the cop he wasn't going to find anything illegal in the car, but Francis happened not to pay 16 parking tickets, and the vehicle is registered in her name.

After being arrested and placed in the policeman's car and turning to Per Sullivan's Dewey, she told him everything would be fine. The boy stopped her in mid-sentence and asked the policeman if he could turn on his siren, which hilariously excited him and made him forget about his mother's situation!

Such twists and turns were used by the series to show how classical the humor was. If you'd like to reminisce on another show that had an equally funny dialogue, check out some of the quotes from "The Office."