47 Jake Peralta Quotes from ‘Brooklyn Nine-Nine’s’ Funniest Cop

Jake Peralta, played by Andy Samberg, although playful and almost childlike in his demeanor, is not a cop to be messed with. Find out more about him by reading his 47 quotes below.

Jake Peralta is the protagonist of the hit comedy series "Brooklyn Nine-Nine," where he plays a goofy, borderline irresponsible yet highly effective cop. He is joined by his many co-workers, Amy Santiago, Detective Rosa Diaz, Gina Linetti, and the highly-disciplined and firm Captain Ray Holt.

The series is a mix of catching criminals, detective work, relationship dynamics, and a massive amount of comedy, with Peralta providing viewers with many belly laughs. Read some of his 47 one-liners below.

A picture of Jake Peralta with his quote: “All right, there’s the robot I fell in love with.” | Source: youtube.com/NBCBrooklyn99

Jake Peralta’s Quotes to or about Captain Holt

"I didn't call him dad." — Jake Peralta

"Fine. But in protest, I'm walking over there extremely slowly." — Jake Peralta

“All right, there’s the robot I fell in love with.” — Jake Peralta

"No. If anything I see you as a bother figure, because you're always bothering me." — Jake Peralta

“Has anyone ever told you you look just like a statue?”— Jake Peralta

A picture of Jake Peralta with his quote: "Fine. But in protest, I'm walking over there extremely slowly." | Source: youtube.com/NBCBrooklyn99

Jake Peralta’s Funny Quotes Related to Being a Cop

"I'm still gonna arrest you. I just can't do that if you're dead." — Jake Peralta

“We’ve busted murderers; we’ve taken down cartels. But today we face the worst New York has to Offer:The Fire Department.” — Jake Peralta

"I have a murder here with no leads and no evidence. It's unsolvable, and thus, shall have no paperwork." — Jake Peralta

"I swear, these perps are so stupid. I'd make a better criminal than any of 'em." — Jake Peralta

A picture of Jake Peralta with his quote: “You’re a blind cop! How has there not been a made-for-TV movie about your struggles?” |Source: youtube.com/NBCBrooklyn99

"Framed! Art Joke. Continue." — Jake Peralta

"Sarge, with all due respect, I am gonna completely ignore everything you just said." — Jake Peralta

“Cool motive. Still murder.” — Jake Peralta

"I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex." — Jake Peralta

“You’re a blind cop! How has there not been a made-for-TV movie about your struggles?” — Jake Peralta

A picture of Jake Peralta with his quote: "Framed! Art Joke. Continue." |Source: youtube.com/NBCBrooklyn99

“This is a crime scene and I'm a professional.” — Jake Peralta

Jake Peralta’s Funny Just Because They’re Funny Quotes

"No, the Ebony Falcon had no fear. He's the Ebony Antelope now. Brave enough to drink at the lake, but wise enough to run from the lions." — Jake Peralta

“Don’t Worry About That, We’ll Just Get You Another One- Oh, You Mean Your Body Water! That’s Much Worse!” — Jake Peralta

"Never took off the speedo. Big mistake. It is inside of me." — Jake Peralta

"I also have a hairline fracture in my thumb. Mankind's least important finger, am I right?" — Jake Peralta

A picture of Jake Peralta with his quote: “Because the 70’s were amazing. Everyone had big juicy mustaches…” |Source: youtube.com/NBCBrooklyn99

“Point is, haters gonna hate. Shake it off. Taylor Swift, always right.” — Jake Peralta

“Great, I’d like your $8-Est dollar bottle of wine, please.” — Jake Peralta

"And this beautiful basketball-loving Die Hard fan is tearing down my walls of defenses." — Jake Peralta

"I ate one string bean. It tasted like fish vomit. That was it for me." — Jake Peralta

A picture of Amy Santiago and Jake Peralta with his quote: “Point is, haters gonna hate. Shake it off. Taylor Swift, always right.” |Source: youtube.com/NBCBrooklyn99

“Because the 70’s were amazing. Everyone had big juicy mustaches…” — Jake Peralta

“Is It A ‘Chris’? Hemsworth? Evans? Pratt? Pine? Brown? Cross?” — Jake Peralta

"But my point is this: I don't care what time it is. I'm always happy to be here. Nine-Nine! Nine-Niiine! A-Noine-Noine! I'm gonna keep doing it until you guys chime in. A-Noine-Noine!" — Jake Peralta

"No, it's probably just an empty, white cube with a USB port in it for him to plug his finger in when he's on sleep mode." — Jake Peralta

"Guys, jump on that. Boyle has psycho-sexual issues." — Jake Peralta

A picture of Jake Peralta with his quote: "I ate one string bean. It tasted like fish vomit. That was it for me." | Source: youtube.com/NBCBrooklyn99

"I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be." — Jake Peralta

Jake Peralta’s Quotes to or about Amy Santiago

"I love how much you pretend to like 'Die Hard.'" — Jake Peralta

"I corrected your grammar! Are you so proud of me? Are you horrified?" — Jake Peralta

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. 'Me And Devon?' Didn’t You mean ‘Devon And I’?” — Jake Peralta

A picture of Jake Peralta with his quote: “Ames, I love you…I love your face and I love your butt.” | Source: youtube.com/NBCBrooklyn99

“Amy Santiago, will you marry me?” — Jake Peralta

"I guess that's your new best friend now, Santiago. Emphasis on "'Iago,' backstabber." — Jake Peralta

“Ames, I love you…I love your face and I love your butt.” — Jake Peralta

"'Kind, sober and fully dressed.' Good news, everyone. We found the name of Santiago's sex tape!" — Jake Peralta

“I Hope It wasn’t a mistake, title of your sex tape…title of our sex tape!” — Jake Peralta

A picture of Jake Peralta with his quote: “Amy Santiago, will you marry me?” |Source: youtube.com/NBCBrooklyn99

More Jake Peralta Quotes

“God, you must have been the worst fourth grader ever.” — Jake Peralta

"Look, sarge, I burnt two hundred calories." — Jake Peralta

“Now Number Five” — Jake Peralta

A picture of Jake Peralta with his quote: “God, you must have been the worst fourth grader ever.” |Source: youtube.com/NBCBrooklyn99

“At The Time I Did Not Know She Was A Defense Attorney. I Should Have Been Able To Guess, However, Based On Her Ability To Lie All Over Me.” — Jake Peralta

"Ah-ha. He admitted the alibi was a lie. All part of my crazy, devious plan." — Jake Peralta

"You shut up. You've done nothing but lie since you got here." — Jake Peralta

A picture of Jake Peralta with his quote: “This is a crime scene and I'm a professional.” |Source: youtube.com/NBCBrooklyn99

While for many, Peralta appears to be Sandberg's breakout role; he has led quite a successful career for a while. True to his comedy roots and beloved by many, the actor is part of a comedic musical group called "Lonely Island."

Another one of his notable roles included playing the main character in 2007's cult classic comedy "Hot Rod." To find out more about another character in a cult classic, read these quotes by the character Mia Wallace from "Pulp Fiction."