Schmidt Quotes from 'New Girl' - Super Funny Character of the Series

Schmidt, the lovable and peppy character from "New Girl," has heightened his douchery to an art form that fans can't help but adore. Throughout the show, Schmidt's unique charm made him a standout among the characters, catapulting him to gain a dedicated fan following.

Whether he's delivering a witty remark about his love life or sharing a hilarious tidbit about his heritage, fans relished the brilliant Schmidt quotes from "New Girl."

Who could forget the iconic pilot episode one-liner, "Schmidt happens!" Indeed, it does, Schmidt. And when it does, these "New Girl" Schmidt quotes would always tickle our funny bones. Check them out!

Schmidt's quote: “You were denied a cell phone because you have the credit score of a homeless ghost!” | Source: Amodays

Schmidt the Funniest Quotes

"I can’t talk right now. I’m writing a strongly worded email to my florist." — Schmidt, "New Girl"

"Schmidt Happens!" — Schmidt, "New Girl"

"Would you line up around the corner if they called the iPhone a slippery germ brick?" — Schmidt, "New Girl"

"You’re listening to the radio and writing with a pen. What decade are we in?" — Schmidt, "New Girl"

"Are you cooking a frittata in a saucepan? What is this prison?" — Schmidt, "New Girl"

Schmidt's quote: “They don’t hate me because I’m old; they hate me because of my personality!” | Source: Amodays

"Walk with dignity, you giant toddler!" — Schmidt, "New Girl"

"Hey, M. Night Shyamalan. I’ve got a twist ending for you: Shut up!" — Schmidt, "New Girl"

"Did you get my junk mail?" — Schmidt, "New Girl"

"Can you believe the zoo wouldn’t let me borrow their white tiger? I mean, the nerve! Philip Seymour Hoffman is going to be sitting at the back of the party thinking, ‘Look at that guy. He couldn’t even get a big cat.’" — Schmidt, "New Girl"

"My tires were stolen by STREET YOUTHS!" — Schmidt, "New Girl"

Schmidt's quote: "You show up sick, you might as well be dead." | Source: Amodays

"Well, you have found my flabbergast button, and guess what? You’ve pressed it." — Schmidt, "New Girl"

"Are you the criminals? From the statistics?" — Schmidt, "New Girl"

"I know you’re a terrible liar, but I need you to lie to Cece." — Schmidt, "New Girl"

"When Nick leaves, I’m gonna call a plumber and just throw money at him while he works." — Schmidt, "New Girl"

"I’m gonna go take a shower with Nick’s bar of soap like a common ranch hand." — Schmidt, "New Girl"

"I had figure skating lessons until I was 13, and then my mom sobered up and realized I was a boy." — Schmidt, "New Girl"

Schmidt's quote: "Words that have never been used to describe Schmidt: spontaneous, flexible, easygoing. I’m like a Marine." | Source: Amodays

Schmidt Quotes Full of Useful Remarks

"I can do anything I put my mind to. I once figured out Alyssa Milano’s phone number just by randomly choosing numbers." — Schmidt, "New Girl"

"Do you just walk around all day thinking about other people’s feelings? How do you get anything done?" — Schmidt, "New Girl"

"Bathtubs are medieval filth cauldrons." — Schmidt, "New Girl"

"Without ash to rise from, the phoenix would just be a bird getting up." — Schmidt, "New Girl"

"Beans are nothing but soggy nuts!" — Schmidt, "New Girl"

Schmidt's quote: "I'm a squirrel. You're my nut." | Source: Amodays

"Where do you even buy sheets like this? They have the thread count of a paper towel." — Schmidt, "New Girl"

"Today it’s gas, tomorrow it’s the local news." — Schmidt, "New Girl"

"Man to man, you didn’t wanna wear something, I dunno, a little more form-flattering? You know, like a pile of towels? The number eight?" — Schmidt, "New Girl"

"She has a flip phone, Jess. She’s either poor or a time traveler." — Schmidt, "New Girl"

"Pine has no place in this loft. It’s the wood of poor people and outhouses." — Schmidt, "New Girl"

Schmidt's quote: "My whole life is you." | Source: Amodays

Famous Schmidt Quotes from "New Girl"

"I am having a major life crisis, and you guys are, what, just driving around, French kissing each other..?" — Schmidt, "New Girl"

"Why can't I have the things that I want?" — Schmidt, "New Girl"

"Damn it! I can’t find my driving moccasins anywhere." — Schmidt, "New Girl"

"Nick is delicate. Like a flower. Like a chubby, damaged flower who hates himself." — Schmidt, "New Girl"

"Now, as my best friend, I expect you to be willing to sacrifice everything for me at a moment’s notice including, of course, unfortunately for you, your dignity." — Schmidt, "New Girl"

Schmidt's quote: "The economy sucks, bees are dying, and movies are pretty much all sequels now." | Source: Amodays

"I don’t celebrate Christmas. Or, as I like to call it, ‘White Anglo Saxon Winter Privilege Night.'" — Schmidt, "New Girl"

"The economy sucks, bees are dying, and movies are pretty much all sequels now." — Schmidt, "New Girl"

"It was like listening to a rescue crew trying to communicate with a stranded miner. Are you ok? Yeah. Are you ok? Yeah!" — Schmidt, "New Girl"

"I’m not being overdramatic when I say I would rather sit… on a hot grill than wear something off the rack." — Schmidt, "New Girl"

"There's gotta be an explanation for this, like, he's the lord of Winterfell!" — Schmidt, "New Girl"

Schmidt's quote: "Why can't I have the things that I want?" | Source: Amodays

"Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go water my succulents." — Schmidt, "New Girl"

"Befriending Kanye is the most efficient way for me to jump social strata." — Schmidt, "New Girl"

"I’m gonna have to run all the way home, and I have my slipperiest loafers on." — Schmidt, "New Girl"

"My whole life is you." — Schmidt, "New Girl"

"I look like a ’70s divorce attorney." — Schmidt, "New Girl"

Schmidt's quote: "Today it’s gas, tomorrow it’s the local news." | Source: Amodays

"I love mango chutney." — Schmidt, "New Girl"

"Can somebody get my towel? It’s in my bedroom next to my Irish Walking cape." — Schmidt, "New Girl"

"I'm a squirrel. You're my nut." — Schmidt, "New Girl"

"It makes me angry and scared all at the same time. Just like when I hear the phrase, ‘Academy Award winner Anna Paquin.’" — Schmidt, "New Girl"

"Can we just take a moment to celebrate me?" — Schmidt, "New Girl"

Schmidt's quote: "Without ash to rise from, the phoenix would just be a bird getting up." | Source: Amodays

"Words that have never been used to describe Schmidt: spontaneous, flexible, easygoing. I’m like a Marine." — Schmidt, "New Girl"

"She lulled me to sleep and then she went rogue." — Schmidt, "New Girl"

"I crushed it. I crushed it all day today." — Schmidt, "New Girl"

"Is this a freakin’ carob chip? What, are you trying to buy our love with hippie chocolate?! Ya idi*t." — Schmidt, "New Girl"

"It’s like you’re ripping the side block out of my mental Jenga! I’m totally falling apart!" — Schmidt, "New Girl"

Schmidt's quote: "Are you the criminals? From the statistics?" | Source: Amodays

"Let us rejoice in song!" — Schmidt, "New Girl"

"The on-suite is on fleek." — Schmidt, "New Girl"

"Know this. Your caveman ideas about manhood are so over. Manhood today is about exfoliation, cheese courses, emotional honesty and Paxil." — Schmidt, "New Girl"

"You ain’t ready for the California kid." — Schmidt, "New Girl"

Schmidt's quote: "Hey, M. Night Shyamalan. I’ve got a twist ending for you: Shut up!" | Source: Amodays

"They don’t hate me because I’m old; they hate me because of my personality!" — Schmidt, "New Girl"

"Outliers — you should read it. Malcolm Gladwell. It’s one of my desert island books, along with Machiavelli’s The Prince, Freak by John Leguizamo, any of the scripts from the first season of Vampire Diaries." — Schmidt, "New Girl"

"Judaism, son!" — Schmidt, "New Girl"

"Let’s just say that my cousin doesn’t have the most sophisticated palate. Raised by wolf-like parents in the wilds of Minnesota. He actually went to juvie for stealing the synagogue’s minivan." — Schmidt, "New Girl"

"On paper, we’re as ugly as Winston’s belly button ring." — Schmidt, "New Girl"

Schmidt's quote: "You’re listening to the radio and writing with a pen. What decade are we in?" | Source: Amodays

"We’re broenemies. He’s my fremesis." — Schmidt, "New Girl"

"I'm not actually quite sure how to stop this." — Schmidt, "New Girl"

"You were denied a cell phone because you have the credit score of a homeless ghost!" — Schmidt, "New Girl"

Schmidt's quote: "Bathtubs are medieval filth cauldrons." | Source: Amodays

Like the enigmatic 'Mr. Big' from "Sex and the City," viewers were hooked in suspense about the full name of "New Girl's" standout character until the series ending. In fact, Max Greenfield's portrayal of Schmidt delivered some of the most iconic lines in the entire show—though Nick Miller certainly comes in a close second.

Bold, assertive, and the hilarious roommate in the loft, Schmidt embodied the classic character you can't help but love. With his signature comedic timing and endearing commitment to Cece and his circle, Winston Saint-Marie Schmidt has undeniably wormed his way into our hearts forever!

Find out more about this iconic sitcom by reading Nick Miller Quotes from 'New Girl.'